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Pubic Hair: To wax or not to wax...

Just saw a Gillette video which demonstrates how men should shave their balls and it got me thinking about my own relationship with pubic hair. Seriously, it’s constantly (okay, maybe not that constantly) on my mind. At the moment I favour trimming my pubes with scissors and a small comb (I have locs so if you see a comb on my dresser you know what it’s used for. I keep having to tell people, erm you may not want to use that comb...) followed by an application of Veet for the bikini line. I do not feel like it is the best “hair-reducing” solution though…

I remember a friend was chatting to a potential “buddy” and one of the things the potential buddy wanted to know was if it was a “jungle” or “brazilian” down there, when she replied that it was a jungle he was disinterested…

I think hair gets in the way of good oral sex but I cannot put myself through the pain of a Brazilian. My fear of Brazilians was reinforced last week when I visited a salon with a friend. I had my eyebrows threaded whilst she had her eyebrows threaded AND a Brazilian Wax. She was in the inner sanctum (where the Brazilian waxing is done) for 45 minutes. Even though she was a regular at that particular salon, she had never had a Brazilian there before. When she emerged she advised me to wait until I travel abroad for my Brazilian.

Apart from the pain the other thing that gets to me is opening up my genitalia to some random stranger…who has no intention of giving me pleasure.

What are your thoughts people? To wax or not to wax? What’s your preference? Jungle? Brazilian, Trim and short on the sides? What have been your hair-experiences? Oh and this so applies to men too…

Guest Contributor Ms X on that time of the month

It’s the week before my period and I am so freakin’ horny. It is not even funny!

I think about sex all of the bloody time (and Nana reading your blog is not helping at all).Everything I see a hot looking guy I wonder what he will be like in the sack. Have you ever wondered what it will be like to do one of those hot looking, muscular fishermen on the beach? We don’t need to have a conversation just some hot steamy sex…Who says only men have sex on the brain?

Not So Random Questions...

I’m taking inspiration from Anti Rhythm and posing my own not so Random Questions...

• Is there always a “certain level” of sexual attraction between male and female friends?
• Is it possible to sleep with a friend and retain your friendship?
• F**k Buddies, for or against?
• What’s your favourite sexual act?
• Where’s the best place to have sex?
• What is your favourite sexual position?

Curious about who we are?

If you have ever been curious about the women behind this blog check out the interview at LIFESTYLZ GH

Let me know your thoughts...

The Reluctant Celibate

I am no fan of abstinence although I completely understand the reasons why so many of my sisters (yes I am excluding the brothers) strive to abstain from sex. I have heard the arguments in favour of abstinence and I think they are all entirely valid except when it comes to yours truly. A male friend once told me about the value of abstinence and I so got him. Yes, you take time to know the girl, your relationship is not clouded by sex, by the time you have sex it doesn’t matter what your penis size is...all very valid arguments. From the perspective of my women friend it’s usually about the milk and cow theory (thank you NY). From the perspective of both men and women striving to abstain from sex it is usually about their faith.

So if I am buying none of the above reasons why have I found myself a very reluctant celibate? Oh there is a multiplicity of reasons. I found out that my buddy was cheating on me with multiple women. (Is it possible for a buddy to cheat on you? Does the very nature of the buddy relationship mean that you have no right to expect exclusive rights to your buddy’s body?) Virtually all the guys I find myself attracted to are already in relationships and I really do not fancy being a bit on the side? I do not meet guys I fancy (unless they fall into the “already taken” bracket). I am not interested in being bought hence no interest in the milk and cow rationale. I could go on and on...

What’s a girl to do when she is a reluctant celibate?

Where are the Ghanaian sex shops?

Okay, where are the Ghanaian sex shops? A friend and I will be doing our Ghanaian sex shop review next week and I just realised I have absolutely no idea where exactly the shops are. I have heard one is on the Spintex Road, and the other is on Oxford Street. Any precise directions please? Behind the plantain seller who sits opposite the MTN building may not be that helpful.

Any recommendations as to what I should buy?

The Fear: Childbirth and Childcare

I have a fear of childbirth. I have a fear of getting pregnant; feeling like my body has been taken over by a foreign being and labouring for hours to get this foreign being out of my body.

I am fearful that I live in a part of the world where there is a very strong probability of dying in childbirth.

I am scared that after labouring for hours to have this child I will have the sole responsibility of caring for the child. I am scared that I will be the only one who will wake up in the night when my child cries, that I will be the only one who feeds this child, the one who is the primary carer.

I do not hear my biological clock tick yet I am scared that I may regret not having a child.

A view out of Ghana: Neighbour Nigeria

I have been thinking for some time that I would like to date a Nigerian man. The majority of Nigerian men I have come across are entrepreneurial, hard working and driven. What would be most ideal would be to date a Nigerian man living in Nigeria. He could fly over to Ghana on a Friday night to visit me, we could chill the whole weekend and then he could fly back on Sunday. This would give me the best of both worlds. I could be single on weekdays and “coupled” on weekends.

I shared this thought with a Nigerian friend who was quick to point out that if I was to date a Nigerian man there would be cultural differences which could cause problems in the relationship. He was speaking from personal experience as a Nigerian man who has dated Ghanaian women but is now with a Nigerian woman.

I don’t know if I buy this argument about cultural differences. As far as I am concerned there are always cultural differences. I define culture simply as “a way of life” and once you have not had my experiences then you will always be culturally different from me.

What are your thoughts? Should you aim to only date people who are culturally similar? Is a Ghanaian and Nigerian couple a good combination? Are you a Ghanaian dating a Nigeria? A Nigerian dating a Ghanaian?

P.S: I am a Ghanaian blogger. This post is my contribution for our universal posting day

Guest Contributor Miss A on Giving in to Temptation

This post is an update to a previous post by Guest Contributor Miss A

“Our Father…” I’ve been praying incessantly lately. “Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done…” I’ve been praying fervently, morning and night. “Forgive us our sins…” It’s the sins that need forgiving that have brought on this repetition of prayer.

Our God is all seeing and omnipresent, but I’m really hoping (praying) that He did not see me between the hours of 9pm on June 6 and 1pm on June 7 2009. For in those sixteen hours I sinned. Again and again and again.

I only have myself to blame. It didn’t need to happen; I invited the man over. We didn’t need to fall in to bed (we had the option of first lying in the hot sexy-scented bubble bath instead). As God is my witness (and I really hope He didn’t witness), I did try to resist Temptation.

Now, if you’ve read my previous blog entry, you’d know that following a traumatic break up and taking God on as the only ‘Man’ for me now and forever more, I decided to abstain for a twelve month period. Men were bad news, I concluded. Sex was pure evil and the reason for the chain of crap choices otherwise known as my life. After thirteen years of being enthusiastically sexually active, I was going to give up giving it up. Yes Siree, Ms A was born again.

The plan was to work on me and develop new interests. That was going smoothly until Temptation walked into my life, showed immense interest and planned to work on me. I was doing so well too. It had been four months since I’d last had sex (before this my personal record was four weeks). I was committed to following through. Only another eight long months to go. Problem was Temptation was so tempting. The ease in which we talked;

“Hi”

“What you up to?”

“Nuthin’”

“Ok. Whatya doin’ tomorrow?”

“Nuthin’”

“Ok. See ya.”

The ease in which his young 24 year-old body pressed neatly onto my 31 year-old wanton frame, all equalled lust-filled torture for me. After six weeks I had many conversations with God, trying to get Him to see that sex shouldn’t be classed as a sin, but rather accepted as an earthly need, just like food. I mean, we all know about the health and fitness benefits of having regular intercourse, so really sex is good for our survival. But religious and biological arguments aside, I had a more pressing problem to deal with but once it was pressed into me, it no longer seemed a problem.

So there you have it. After five and a half months of celibacy, I allowed myself to succumb to the seductive techniques of a non-complicated, purely sexy marketing student that I have little in common with. On paper it’s all wrong, but in bed it was all right. Very right in fact. I’ve never indulged in a younger lover before, waving them off as likely to be too inexperienced. But I’ve discovered that what they lack in experience, they make up for in enthusiasm and lots of energy. As a student Temptation takes his learning seriously and he carried this ethos with him into the bedroom. Now by my very nature I’m body shy. Pre-children I’ll be as bold as to say I had a bikini model body, washboard stomach included. But my wonderful children took it upon themselves to leave a smattering of stretch marks on my stomach – a permanent reminder that they ‘waz here’, in my body, like a signature carving in a tree trunk left by starry-eyed lovers. And as a result of months of breastfeeding two hungry guzzlers, my once bouncy pair hang forlorn wondering where the bounce went and if it would ever return. Now when you’re married to the man who assisted in causing this transformation, it’s ok to just ‘get on with it’. After all it was his fatal attraction to me that led to the fatality of my beauty and youth. But I’ve returned to singledom and it’s tough to know if a future partner will be so forgiving of my flaws.

Strangely enough, none of these issues seemed to be a problem for me or my new lover. Intermittently when I’d ask, “Do you like it?” without hesitation he’d respond, “I love it.” That night he became a connoisseur of my curves, considerate, appreciative and eager to please.

He’s since told me that our night together was the best sex he’s ever had. Before me, he’d only ever known the missionary position, yet what we did that night would only shock missionaries – and many others. As great as it was, I’m not planning on making a habit of it. The guilt of sinning weighs heavy on my heart.

When I was with my husband I was extremely self-conscious never believing he found me sexy. With clever lighting and positioning, I’d stage manage our lovemaking. With my new lover, I didn’t make such an effort. So it came as a great surprise to finally know that sexiness really is a state of mind, pert bouncy teen-tits and smooth skin, purely optional.

HIV/AIDS: The Dreaded Test and Why You Should Get Tested

I got my results from Medlab today...I had gone into the lab last Thursday and requested for a "fasting blood sugar" and HIV test. This is the third HIV test I have taken in my life and each time I have had several "mini deaths" whilst waiting for the results. I am one of those people whose mind often races to the worst case scenario and I kept thinking "What am I going to do if the result is positive?", "Will I become an HIV/AIDS activist?", "Will I blog about being HIV positive", "I will have to tell men who fancy me that I am HIV positive...which will result in no men fancying me" and on and on and on...

So I open the envelope and "Yes!!! It's a negative result". Now you may be wondering why I was so nervous and I will tell you:

1. There is no such thing as safe sex, there is only safer sex which can be achieved with the use of the female/male condom.
2. Do you ever get to a stage where you trust your partner enough not to use a condom? You're using birth control (of some sort) and not bothered about pregnancy?
3. Does he ever play around before rolling on a condom?
4. Have you ever discovered that the person you thought you were having "exclusive" sex with has also been sleeping with Ama, Amina and Ayesha?

Okay, those were more questions than statements but hopefully that gives you an inkling into my nervousness. My next partner is going to have to show me a negative HIV result before he gets anywhere near me.

Other thoughts/questions are springing into my mind: Is it the responsibility of HIV positive people to declare their status to partners or should we all be responsible for our own sexual behaviour? Why did I think that I should become an HIV/AIDS advocate if I was positive? Am I not an advocate already, or maybe I need to become a better advocate?

From my basic knowledge on HIV/AIDS I want to share the following tips:

• It takes at least 3 months for the HIV virus to show on your test results so if you got your HIV negative results today for e.g. all this means is that you were HIV negative on the 8th of March.
• Most people spreading the virus are those who have not had HIV tests so do not know know their status.
• It is important to do an HIV test regularly so you know your baseline - if you became positive at a future date, it would be helpful to know the period within which you contracted the virus.
• Women are more susceptible to HIV.
• Marriage is a risk factor for women where HIV is concerned.
• Women bear more of the "costs" associated with HIV - caring for the sick for e.g.

Need I say "Go get tested?"

Your thoughts?

P.S: Of course sex is not the only way to contract HIV

Calling all Guest Contributors

Adventures from the bedrooms of African women is a space for African women to share knowledge on sex and our diverse sexualities. There is insufficient information by African women on the diverse sexualities of African women. This blog aims to provide a safe space for women to learn from each other about issues of sex and diverse sexualities.

The administrators of “Adventures” welcome contributions from African women. Contributions can be focused on any sex or sexuality related issue. Guest contributors may blog anonymously or under their own names. The administrators reserve the right to edit posts (mainly for typos and grammar) and reserve the rights to rejects posts that are misogynistic, sexist or discriminatory towards women/marginalised groups of women. However we may occasionally publish a "non-politically correct" post to stimulate debate on an issue.

Although "Adventures" is primarily a blog for African women we recognise that there are progressive men who may wish to contribute to this forum. These contributions are welcome; however priority will be given to highlighting women’s experiences of sex and sexuality.

To submit a post please send your contribution to adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com and indicate whether you want to post anonymously or under your own name. All contributions will be duly acknowledged by email.

On Dating, Sex and Relationships: Younger Men versus Married Men

“You shouldn’t have a problem” says a fairly new male acquaintance to me, “Where were you like a year ago?” We have been talking about relationships and sex...his assumption is that I’m an attractive woman and so should not be single. The comment about where I was a year ago is referring to his new status as a father and a fiancé hence no longer an eligible man. “That’s the thing”, I respond, “All the men I meet are either married or younger”...okay I can hear what some of you are thinking, “What is wrong with dating a younger man”. Hmmm, where shall I start from?

1. Men have issues when you earn more money than they do or are in a higher position at work – chances are if I date a man younger than I am then I will have to deal with those issues.

2. I have (thankfully) reached a stage in my life where I can afford to treat myself to some of the good stuff in life. A younger man in my life may not be at that stage yet (this point is directly related to point number 1).

3. If I was a 50 year old woman dating a younger man that would be so cool. A 31 year old woman dating a younger man? Okay it depends on the age gap but somehow not as cool.

Now to the issue of married men, can all married men stop "chasing" me please? Seriously, I have had enough. You are married, it is nasty, I fear to think what diseases you carry home to your wife and all your paramours. Enough already!

This is my challenge some of the time. I believe in networking. If networking can be considered a hobby then that is one of my hobbies. I love to meet people, hang out with them, get to know them and help them out when I can. I love to have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. The challenge is this, “How do I convert older married men who fancy me into acquaintances who can form a valuable part of my network?” I can’t exactly say what I wrote in the previous paragraph, can I? Instead I laugh off their advances or say “Yeah, I will call you” and never do...somehow that works better than totally blowing them off. If you ever do need to contact that person and they say “how come you never called”, you can always blame MTN. Okay that’s a joke but you see how ridiculous the situation is...

Oh by the way, if I have to make a choice between dating a younger (single) man or an older married man, the younger man wins hands down!

Your thoughts?

Double standards around sexualities?

Are there double standards around men and women's sexualities? How true is this in Ghana and Africa? Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? How does society respond when a man cheats? How is this response different when a woman cheats? Just a few of the questions I have posed on my fellow blogger's Ms Cleland's site at http://maameous.blogspot.com/

Let me know your thoughts

On the subject of Virgins and Virginity

The recent conversations on visits to the Ob/Gyn have somehow led to the subject of virginity and associated issues such as, who is a virgin? Someone who has never had sex? Someone whose hymen is intact (that somehow implies the “someone” is female)? In this day and age we also have “born again virgins”.

Somehow when I think of virginity I think of women. The impression I got growing up was that you needed to stay a virgin for as long as possible, preferably until you got married. For a woman to be a virgin was/is a good thing but for guys it’s a very bad thing. I don’t know any woman who will want to date a (male) virgin for example. Is that the same for men? Somehow I doubt so?

I remember in my early 20s there was this older man I fancied (and he clearly also fancied me) but he refused to go all the way because I was a virgin. On one hand it may seem he was being chivalrous, but on the other hand I think he felt if he had sex with me then he would need to have a proper relationship with me. In hindsight he probably fancied me but was not “that into me”. I guess he did the right thing after all.

What are your thoughts?

Your contribution to a "Reader on African Sexualities"

If you are a regular reader of this blog you will know that I like to look at African women's sexualities in all its diversityand breadth. I recently found out that Dr Sylvia Tamale based at Makerere University is compiling a reader on African women's sexualities. Do read her call for information below and please put your experience in the comments box to contribute to this important piece of research:

"I'm collecting diverse experiences that African women have had regarding their reproductive health/care. I think it's important to document them, ranging from the most shocking to the most pleasant. I believe that it'll be empowering to share such experiences and knowledge by publishing some of them in the "Reader on African Sexualities" that I am editing. This idea was triggered by my recent encounter with a rather impersonal and cold gynecologist where I'd gone for a routine pap smear. She asked, "Are you ready for the ORDEAL?!" Later, when I was undressing she, together with the nurse, held up a white sheet to "offer me some privacy." Not seeing the logic in hiding my nakedness from people for whom I was going to bear my most 'private' body parts under the glare of a spotlight, I asked them to put down the sheet. However, the doctor insisted on holding it up arguing that it was their "usual practice." When I told this story to a friend, she herself had several gyn/ob stories to tell, including the one who told her (as she lay on his hard examination bed with her thighs open), "Oh did you know you had grey hair?!" I am therefore inviting you to share some of your most dreadful (for some not so dreadful, even pleasant) Ob/Gyn visits stories. We've all been there for various reasons... prenatal & postnatal care, delivery, pap> smears, routine check-ups, IUD insertion & birth control advice, abortion,hymen reconstruction, artificial reproductive techniques, menopause management, Hysterectomy, Cosmetic Surgery, sexual advice, STD Diagnosis & Treatment, Abnormal Bleeding, Fibroid treatment, etc, etc, etc.Confidentiality will of course be observed if requested.

Dr Sylvia Tamale, Makerere University"

Guest Contributor Ms A on Celibacy, Temptation and Sex

It's been four months, one week and two days. I've been craving, having vivid dreams, praying, begging God to make the months move a little faster. God, has it only been four months, one week and two days?

It's been four months, one week and two days. I can't believe that I've done it. It's been four months one week and two days, I can't believe I'm still doing it. I feel a sense of achievement, blended with a sense of loss and grief. Simple, senseless, self torture. It's been four months, one week and two days since I last had sex or more accurately since my husband left me and I decided to abstain from sex. (Come to think of it, I haven't had it for more than four months , but you never really make a mental note of the last time you bedded your husband when your whole world is crumbling around your ears.)

Now for some people, not having sex may not seem like a big deal. But for me, a person who's enjoyed it and has been a willing, proactive participant for more than fifteen years this is a huge deal. For years, I depended on sex like an alcoholic depends on his daily poison of choice. Without sex, I'd get depressed, irritable and downright unpleasant to be with. My husband and I at our peak had sex every single day for years. At our worst, once every two weeks. Sex is a big deal.

So why put myself through this? I wanted clarity. I wanted to fix my head and my heart by denying my body. Above all, I wanted to be a better Christian; learn to focus on other things. Enjoy pure, wholesome relationships. Yep, I was turning over a new chapter in my life. My husband had consumed me for thirteen years of my young life. Sex had consumed us even more so. What better way to move on than to turn my back on the very things that had become a crutch. Oh yes, freedom and new beginnings...

Then walks in Temptation. Minding my own business on a night out with the girls, a guy spots me. I ignore him. He walks over. I ignore him. He talks. I ignore him. He really talks and smiles. Oh that smile. I pretend to ignore him. We kiss. I can't ignore him.

I've vowed to stay celibate for one year. That's twelve months, 365 days and google tells me a total of 8766 whole hours! I've abstained for four months, one week and two days. I have seven months, three weeks and five days remaining.

But Temptation is here now and he's dressed so smartly, and smells so delicious. And that smile, oh that smile...

FGM and Sex: Does sex ever become pleasurable?

I am so thrilled! I just read in Pambazuka of the first hospital in Burkina Faso, “The Pleasure Hospital” that is reconstructing clitorises for women who have been subjected to female genital mutilation. Since I started thinking seriously about women’s rights to pleasurable sex and sexuality I have always wondered about women who have been FGM’d. Do they have pleasurable sex?

I have read a few books by African women who have suffered from the practice. Those that readily come to mind include Aman’s autobiography, Aryan Hirsi’s Infidel and Waris Dirie’s Desert Flower. If I remember correctly Dirie is critical of the practice, Hirsi wrote eloquently about the torture she and her sister underwent in the name of culture and Aman refused to criticise or condone FGM. These books informed me about the pain that women who have suffered FGM go through during menstruation, intercourse and childbirth yet still let me wondering, “Do they ever get to a stage where sex becomes pleasurable?”

Does anyone know whether sex can be pleasurable if your clitoris has been cut off/excised/infibulated? I am very conscious that I am at this point thinking of vaginal/clitoral sex and not much broader…

Dating a sexuality blogger?

How soon shall I tell a guy (who is interested in me) that I blog about sex and sexuality?

Sometimes the subject of blogging never comes up at all yet there have been three occasions where people have come up to me and either said "I love your blog", are you the same "Nana Darkoa who writes Adventures" or "I found your blog through google".

One of my fellow bloggers (male) told me some time ago that I should't tell a guy I have just met that I blog about sex. I think his concern was that I might get a stalker... @fellow male blogger, correct me if I am wrong.

I find that I often tell African women to check out my blog as I consciously write for women but rarely tell men to check out my blog. My concern in telling a man about my blog would be the assumptions he will make about me and I suspect those assumptions may not be all that flattering. I would hate for someone to read my blog and assume that I am going to have sex with them or that I am loose. On the other hand there is a part of me that doesn't give a toss what the majority of people think about me. I reckon that those who matter will take me just as I am.

So what are your thoughts? Ladies if you were me, in the natural conversation you have with guys who fancy you would you casually mention the blog on sexuality you contribute to or would you wait until you got to know the individual a lot better? Gentlemen, what would you think if you met a woman you fancied and she contributed to this blog?

Over the river and through the woods to the Love Shack we go!

Last week Nana and I went to the sex shop when she visited Atlanta. She has revealed on this blog that she has an “aversion” (if you can call it that) to going to Ghanaian sex shops and might feel more comfortable visiting one in the states. I on the other hand, have never been to a sex shop, anywhere. Somehow I always imagined seedy old men and semen on the walls in these establishments, and the thought has repulsed me enough to keep me out of any shop’s doors.

Until last week.

I dutifully took Nana to The Love Shack, which looked just like a shack. It was a wooden cabin decked out with neon lights, and I was grateful for the cover of night to cloak me from anyone seeing me go in. When we entered, a heavily tattooed lady interrupted her phone call to greet us and instructed us to let her know if we needed any help. We smiled and said thanks.

For my part, the atmosphere of the Love Shack conveyed more to do with fucking than it did with love. A visit to the store did not inspire me to purchase a toy and run home to show my man with relish and gusto. Apparently, several other people felt the same. A middle aged white couple came in, walked around for a few minutes and hastily exited the door.

“Nothing for you tonight?” said tattoo lady to the couple. “Come back and see us!” You could hear the disappointment through her false upbeat-ness.

As you come into the store, the “toys” and apparatus just got freakier and freakier. There was a big black plastic thing called the Double Teamer (you figure it out) and then this HUGE monster gel filled purple dick called the Ultimate Challenge. No lie, it had to be 18” long and at least 4” wide. The thought of stuffing something like that into my or anyone else’s vagina did not invoke thoughts of pleasure.

The video section of the Shack was possibly the most amusing, and made me feel like a total prude. As we strolled over to check out the titles, we nearly collided with a massive black man, who could have easily been a line backer for the Atlanta Falcons…in the GAY PORN SECTION. He carefully studied covers with titles such as “Gag that Fag”, made his selection, and walked over to the counter to pay. Nana and I walked over to the Lesbian and Straight porn section to look for what she called “woman friendly porn”. After she described what it was, I knew we wouldn’t find it among the DVDs portraying women with legs akimbo and four to fifteen penises wagging in her face.

I had seen enough, and I could sense Nana was ready to go. But the Shack was not done with us yet! As we were about to leave, I noticed a staircase to the left and pointed it out.
“What’s that,” Nana asked.
“It’s probably just more videos,” I replied.
“No, no,” said the mass of tattoos eagerly. “It’s a viewing booth.”
“A viewing booth??” we said in unison.

At that moment, a twenty something white boy in cargo shorts came down the stairs looking somewhat shaken and headed back for the video section. I am sad to report that our revulsion overpowered our journalistic curiosity and we did NOT go upstairs to see what/who was in that booth. We left the store empty handed and heads full of possible atrocities taking place in the attic of the shack.

Two days later I took Nana to visit my friend who is a purveyor of all things to do with pleasure. We bought a few things from her Pure Romance line, from the comfort of her home: some mechanized thing that seeks out your g-spot and coochy cream. I was far more comfortable in this setting, despite the Disney cartoon that was playing in the background. Somehow, that just seemed a little weird, seeing as we were three grown women talking about sexual intimacy and there was not a child in sight…