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Pubic Hair: To wax or not to wax...

Just saw a Gillette video which demonstrates how men should shave their balls and it got me thinking about my own relationship with pubic hair. Seriously, it’s constantly (okay, maybe not that constantly) on my mind. At the moment I favour trimming my pubes with scissors and a small comb (I have locs so if you see a comb on my dresser you know what it’s used for. I keep having to tell people, erm you may not want to use that comb...) followed by an application of Veet for the bikini line. I do not feel like it is the best “hair-reducing” solution though…

I remember a friend was chatting to a potential “buddy” and one of the things the potential buddy wanted to know was if it was a “jungle” or “brazilian” down there, when she replied that it was a jungle he was disinterested…

I think hair gets in the way of good oral sex but I cannot put myself through the pain of a Brazilian. My fear of Brazilians was reinforced last week when I visited a salon with a friend. I had my eyebrows threaded whilst she had her eyebrows threaded AND a Brazilian Wax. She was in the inner sanctum (where the Brazilian waxing is done) for 45 minutes. Even though she was a regular at that particular salon, she had never had a Brazilian there before. When she emerged she advised me to wait until I travel abroad for my Brazilian.

Apart from the pain the other thing that gets to me is opening up my genitalia to some random stranger…who has no intention of giving me pleasure.

What are your thoughts people? To wax or not to wax? What’s your preference? Jungle? Brazilian, Trim and short on the sides? What have been your hair-experiences? Oh and this so applies to men too…

Guest Contributor Ms X on that time of the month

It’s the week before my period and I am so freakin’ horny. It is not even funny!

I think about sex all of the bloody time (and Nana reading your blog is not helping at all).Everything I see a hot looking guy I wonder what he will be like in the sack. Have you ever wondered what it will be like to do one of those hot looking, muscular fishermen on the beach? We don’t need to have a conversation just some hot steamy sex…Who says only men have sex on the brain?

Not So Random Questions...

I’m taking inspiration from Anti Rhythm and posing my own not so Random Questions...

• Is there always a “certain level” of sexual attraction between male and female friends?
• Is it possible to sleep with a friend and retain your friendship?
• F**k Buddies, for or against?
• What’s your favourite sexual act?
• Where’s the best place to have sex?
• What is your favourite sexual position?

Curious about who we are?

If you have ever been curious about the women behind this blog check out the interview at LIFESTYLZ GH

Let me know your thoughts...

The Reluctant Celibate

I am no fan of abstinence although I completely understand the reasons why so many of my sisters (yes I am excluding the brothers) strive to abstain from sex. I have heard the arguments in favour of abstinence and I think they are all entirely valid except when it comes to yours truly. A male friend once told me about the value of abstinence and I so got him. Yes, you take time to know the girl, your relationship is not clouded by sex, by the time you have sex it doesn’t matter what your penis size is...all very valid arguments. From the perspective of my women friend it’s usually about the milk and cow theory (thank you NY). From the perspective of both men and women striving to abstain from sex it is usually about their faith.

So if I am buying none of the above reasons why have I found myself a very reluctant celibate? Oh there is a multiplicity of reasons. I found out that my buddy was cheating on me with multiple women. (Is it possible for a buddy to cheat on you? Does the very nature of the buddy relationship mean that you have no right to expect exclusive rights to your buddy’s body?) Virtually all the guys I find myself attracted to are already in relationships and I really do not fancy being a bit on the side? I do not meet guys I fancy (unless they fall into the “already taken” bracket). I am not interested in being bought hence no interest in the milk and cow rationale. I could go on and on...

What’s a girl to do when she is a reluctant celibate?

Where are the Ghanaian sex shops?

Okay, where are the Ghanaian sex shops? A friend and I will be doing our Ghanaian sex shop review next week and I just realised I have absolutely no idea where exactly the shops are. I have heard one is on the Spintex Road, and the other is on Oxford Street. Any precise directions please? Behind the plantain seller who sits opposite the MTN building may not be that helpful.

Any recommendations as to what I should buy?

The Fear: Childbirth and Childcare

I have a fear of childbirth. I have a fear of getting pregnant; feeling like my body has been taken over by a foreign being and labouring for hours to get this foreign being out of my body.

I am fearful that I live in a part of the world where there is a very strong probability of dying in childbirth.

I am scared that after labouring for hours to have this child I will have the sole responsibility of caring for the child. I am scared that I will be the only one who will wake up in the night when my child cries, that I will be the only one who feeds this child, the one who is the primary carer.

I do not hear my biological clock tick yet I am scared that I may regret not having a child.

A view out of Ghana: Neighbour Nigeria

I have been thinking for some time that I would like to date a Nigerian man. The majority of Nigerian men I have come across are entrepreneurial, hard working and driven. What would be most ideal would be to date a Nigerian man living in Nigeria. He could fly over to Ghana on a Friday night to visit me, we could chill the whole weekend and then he could fly back on Sunday. This would give me the best of both worlds. I could be single on weekdays and “coupled” on weekends.

I shared this thought with a Nigerian friend who was quick to point out that if I was to date a Nigerian man there would be cultural differences which could cause problems in the relationship. He was speaking from personal experience as a Nigerian man who has dated Ghanaian women but is now with a Nigerian woman.

I don’t know if I buy this argument about cultural differences. As far as I am concerned there are always cultural differences. I define culture simply as “a way of life” and once you have not had my experiences then you will always be culturally different from me.

What are your thoughts? Should you aim to only date people who are culturally similar? Is a Ghanaian and Nigerian couple a good combination? Are you a Ghanaian dating a Nigeria? A Nigerian dating a Ghanaian?

P.S: I am a Ghanaian blogger. This post is my contribution for our universal posting day

Guest Contributor Miss A on Giving in to Temptation

This post is an update to a previous post by Guest Contributor Miss A

“Our Father…” I’ve been praying incessantly lately. “Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done…” I’ve been praying fervently, morning and night. “Forgive us our sins…” It’s the sins that need forgiving that have brought on this repetition of prayer.

Our God is all seeing and omnipresent, but I’m really hoping (praying) that He did not see me between the hours of 9pm on June 6 and 1pm on June 7 2009. For in those sixteen hours I sinned. Again and again and again.

I only have myself to blame. It didn’t need to happen; I invited the man over. We didn’t need to fall in to bed (we had the option of first lying in the hot sexy-scented bubble bath instead). As God is my witness (and I really hope He didn’t witness), I did try to resist Temptation.

Now, if you’ve read my previous blog entry, you’d know that following a traumatic break up and taking God on as the only ‘Man’ for me now and forever more, I decided to abstain for a twelve month period. Men were bad news, I concluded. Sex was pure evil and the reason for the chain of crap choices otherwise known as my life. After thirteen years of being enthusiastically sexually active, I was going to give up giving it up. Yes Siree, Ms A was born again.

The plan was to work on me and develop new interests. That was going smoothly until Temptation walked into my life, showed immense interest and planned to work on me. I was doing so well too. It had been four months since I’d last had sex (before this my personal record was four weeks). I was committed to following through. Only another eight long months to go. Problem was Temptation was so tempting. The ease in which we talked;

“Hi”

“What you up to?”

“Nuthin’”

“Ok. Whatya doin’ tomorrow?”

“Nuthin’”

“Ok. See ya.”

The ease in which his young 24 year-old body pressed neatly onto my 31 year-old wanton frame, all equalled lust-filled torture for me. After six weeks I had many conversations with God, trying to get Him to see that sex shouldn’t be classed as a sin, but rather accepted as an earthly need, just like food. I mean, we all know about the health and fitness benefits of having regular intercourse, so really sex is good for our survival. But religious and biological arguments aside, I had a more pressing problem to deal with but once it was pressed into me, it no longer seemed a problem.

So there you have it. After five and a half months of celibacy, I allowed myself to succumb to the seductive techniques of a non-complicated, purely sexy marketing student that I have little in common with. On paper it’s all wrong, but in bed it was all right. Very right in fact. I’ve never indulged in a younger lover before, waving them off as likely to be too inexperienced. But I’ve discovered that what they lack in experience, they make up for in enthusiasm and lots of energy. As a student Temptation takes his learning seriously and he carried this ethos with him into the bedroom. Now by my very nature I’m body shy. Pre-children I’ll be as bold as to say I had a bikini model body, washboard stomach included. But my wonderful children took it upon themselves to leave a smattering of stretch marks on my stomach – a permanent reminder that they ‘waz here’, in my body, like a signature carving in a tree trunk left by starry-eyed lovers. And as a result of months of breastfeeding two hungry guzzlers, my once bouncy pair hang forlorn wondering where the bounce went and if it would ever return. Now when you’re married to the man who assisted in causing this transformation, it’s ok to just ‘get on with it’. After all it was his fatal attraction to me that led to the fatality of my beauty and youth. But I’ve returned to singledom and it’s tough to know if a future partner will be so forgiving of my flaws.

Strangely enough, none of these issues seemed to be a problem for me or my new lover. Intermittently when I’d ask, “Do you like it?” without hesitation he’d respond, “I love it.” That night he became a connoisseur of my curves, considerate, appreciative and eager to please.

He’s since told me that our night together was the best sex he’s ever had. Before me, he’d only ever known the missionary position, yet what we did that night would only shock missionaries – and many others. As great as it was, I’m not planning on making a habit of it. The guilt of sinning weighs heavy on my heart.

When I was with my husband I was extremely self-conscious never believing he found me sexy. With clever lighting and positioning, I’d stage manage our lovemaking. With my new lover, I didn’t make such an effort. So it came as a great surprise to finally know that sexiness really is a state of mind, pert bouncy teen-tits and smooth skin, purely optional.

HIV/AIDS: The Dreaded Test and Why You Should Get Tested

I got my results from Medlab today...I had gone into the lab last Thursday and requested for a "fasting blood sugar" and HIV test. This is the third HIV test I have taken in my life and each time I have had several "mini deaths" whilst waiting for the results. I am one of those people whose mind often races to the worst case scenario and I kept thinking "What am I going to do if the result is positive?", "Will I become an HIV/AIDS activist?", "Will I blog about being HIV positive", "I will have to tell men who fancy me that I am HIV positive...which will result in no men fancying me" and on and on and on...

So I open the envelope and "Yes!!! It's a negative result". Now you may be wondering why I was so nervous and I will tell you:

1. There is no such thing as safe sex, there is only safer sex which can be achieved with the use of the female/male condom.
2. Do you ever get to a stage where you trust your partner enough not to use a condom? You're using birth control (of some sort) and not bothered about pregnancy?
3. Does he ever play around before rolling on a condom?
4. Have you ever discovered that the person you thought you were having "exclusive" sex with has also been sleeping with Ama, Amina and Ayesha?

Okay, those were more questions than statements but hopefully that gives you an inkling into my nervousness. My next partner is going to have to show me a negative HIV result before he gets anywhere near me.

Other thoughts/questions are springing into my mind: Is it the responsibility of HIV positive people to declare their status to partners or should we all be responsible for our own sexual behaviour? Why did I think that I should become an HIV/AIDS advocate if I was positive? Am I not an advocate already, or maybe I need to become a better advocate?

From my basic knowledge on HIV/AIDS I want to share the following tips:

• It takes at least 3 months for the HIV virus to show on your test results so if you got your HIV negative results today for e.g. all this means is that you were HIV negative on the 8th of March.
• Most people spreading the virus are those who have not had HIV tests so do not know know their status.
• It is important to do an HIV test regularly so you know your baseline - if you became positive at a future date, it would be helpful to know the period within which you contracted the virus.
• Women are more susceptible to HIV.
• Marriage is a risk factor for women where HIV is concerned.
• Women bear more of the "costs" associated with HIV - caring for the sick for e.g.

Need I say "Go get tested?"

Your thoughts?

P.S: Of course sex is not the only way to contract HIV

Calling all Guest Contributors

Adventures from the bedrooms of African women is a space for African women to share knowledge on sex and our diverse sexualities. There is insufficient information by African women on the diverse sexualities of African women. This blog aims to provide a safe space for women to learn from each other about issues of sex and diverse sexualities.

The administrators of “Adventures” welcome contributions from African women. Contributions can be focused on any sex or sexuality related issue. Guest contributors may blog anonymously or under their own names. The administrators reserve the right to edit posts (mainly for typos and grammar) and reserve the rights to rejects posts that are misogynistic, sexist or discriminatory towards women/marginalised groups of women. However we may occasionally publish a "non-politically correct" post to stimulate debate on an issue.

Although "Adventures" is primarily a blog for African women we recognise that there are progressive men who may wish to contribute to this forum. These contributions are welcome; however priority will be given to highlighting women’s experiences of sex and sexuality.

To submit a post please send your contribution to adventuresfrom[at]gmail.com and indicate whether you want to post anonymously or under your own name. All contributions will be duly acknowledged by email.

On Dating, Sex and Relationships: Younger Men versus Married Men

“You shouldn’t have a problem” says a fairly new male acquaintance to me, “Where were you like a year ago?” We have been talking about relationships and sex...his assumption is that I’m an attractive woman and so should not be single. The comment about where I was a year ago is referring to his new status as a father and a fiancé hence no longer an eligible man. “That’s the thing”, I respond, “All the men I meet are either married or younger”...okay I can hear what some of you are thinking, “What is wrong with dating a younger man”. Hmmm, where shall I start from?

1. Men have issues when you earn more money than they do or are in a higher position at work – chances are if I date a man younger than I am then I will have to deal with those issues.

2. I have (thankfully) reached a stage in my life where I can afford to treat myself to some of the good stuff in life. A younger man in my life may not be at that stage yet (this point is directly related to point number 1).

3. If I was a 50 year old woman dating a younger man that would be so cool. A 31 year old woman dating a younger man? Okay it depends on the age gap but somehow not as cool.

Now to the issue of married men, can all married men stop "chasing" me please? Seriously, I have had enough. You are married, it is nasty, I fear to think what diseases you carry home to your wife and all your paramours. Enough already!

This is my challenge some of the time. I believe in networking. If networking can be considered a hobby then that is one of my hobbies. I love to meet people, hang out with them, get to know them and help them out when I can. I love to have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. The challenge is this, “How do I convert older married men who fancy me into acquaintances who can form a valuable part of my network?” I can’t exactly say what I wrote in the previous paragraph, can I? Instead I laugh off their advances or say “Yeah, I will call you” and never do...somehow that works better than totally blowing them off. If you ever do need to contact that person and they say “how come you never called”, you can always blame MTN. Okay that’s a joke but you see how ridiculous the situation is...

Oh by the way, if I have to make a choice between dating a younger (single) man or an older married man, the younger man wins hands down!

Your thoughts?

Double standards around sexualities?

Are there double standards around men and women's sexualities? How true is this in Ghana and Africa? Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? How does society respond when a man cheats? How is this response different when a woman cheats? Just a few of the questions I have posed on my fellow blogger's Ms Cleland's site at http://maameous.blogspot.com/

Let me know your thoughts

On the subject of Virgins and Virginity

The recent conversations on visits to the Ob/Gyn have somehow led to the subject of virginity and associated issues such as, who is a virgin? Someone who has never had sex? Someone whose hymen is intact (that somehow implies the “someone” is female)? In this day and age we also have “born again virgins”.

Somehow when I think of virginity I think of women. The impression I got growing up was that you needed to stay a virgin for as long as possible, preferably until you got married. For a woman to be a virgin was/is a good thing but for guys it’s a very bad thing. I don’t know any woman who will want to date a (male) virgin for example. Is that the same for men? Somehow I doubt so?

I remember in my early 20s there was this older man I fancied (and he clearly also fancied me) but he refused to go all the way because I was a virgin. On one hand it may seem he was being chivalrous, but on the other hand I think he felt if he had sex with me then he would need to have a proper relationship with me. In hindsight he probably fancied me but was not “that into me”. I guess he did the right thing after all.

What are your thoughts?

Your contribution to a "Reader on African Sexualities"

If you are a regular reader of this blog you will know that I like to look at African women's sexualities in all its diversityand breadth. I recently found out that Dr Sylvia Tamale based at Makerere University is compiling a reader on African women's sexualities. Do read her call for information below and please put your experience in the comments box to contribute to this important piece of research:

"I'm collecting diverse experiences that African women have had regarding their reproductive health/care. I think it's important to document them, ranging from the most shocking to the most pleasant. I believe that it'll be empowering to share such experiences and knowledge by publishing some of them in the "Reader on African Sexualities" that I am editing. This idea was triggered by my recent encounter with a rather impersonal and cold gynecologist where I'd gone for a routine pap smear. She asked, "Are you ready for the ORDEAL?!" Later, when I was undressing she, together with the nurse, held up a white sheet to "offer me some privacy." Not seeing the logic in hiding my nakedness from people for whom I was going to bear my most 'private' body parts under the glare of a spotlight, I asked them to put down the sheet. However, the doctor insisted on holding it up arguing that it was their "usual practice." When I told this story to a friend, she herself had several gyn/ob stories to tell, including the one who told her (as she lay on his hard examination bed with her thighs open), "Oh did you know you had grey hair?!" I am therefore inviting you to share some of your most dreadful (for some not so dreadful, even pleasant) Ob/Gyn visits stories. We've all been there for various reasons... prenatal & postnatal care, delivery, pap> smears, routine check-ups, IUD insertion & birth control advice, abortion,hymen reconstruction, artificial reproductive techniques, menopause management, Hysterectomy, Cosmetic Surgery, sexual advice, STD Diagnosis & Treatment, Abnormal Bleeding, Fibroid treatment, etc, etc, etc.Confidentiality will of course be observed if requested.

Dr Sylvia Tamale, Makerere University"

Guest Contributor Ms A on Celibacy, Temptation and Sex

It's been four months, one week and two days. I've been craving, having vivid dreams, praying, begging God to make the months move a little faster. God, has it only been four months, one week and two days?

It's been four months, one week and two days. I can't believe that I've done it. It's been four months one week and two days, I can't believe I'm still doing it. I feel a sense of achievement, blended with a sense of loss and grief. Simple, senseless, self torture. It's been four months, one week and two days since I last had sex or more accurately since my husband left me and I decided to abstain from sex. (Come to think of it, I haven't had it for more than four months , but you never really make a mental note of the last time you bedded your husband when your whole world is crumbling around your ears.)

Now for some people, not having sex may not seem like a big deal. But for me, a person who's enjoyed it and has been a willing, proactive participant for more than fifteen years this is a huge deal. For years, I depended on sex like an alcoholic depends on his daily poison of choice. Without sex, I'd get depressed, irritable and downright unpleasant to be with. My husband and I at our peak had sex every single day for years. At our worst, once every two weeks. Sex is a big deal.

So why put myself through this? I wanted clarity. I wanted to fix my head and my heart by denying my body. Above all, I wanted to be a better Christian; learn to focus on other things. Enjoy pure, wholesome relationships. Yep, I was turning over a new chapter in my life. My husband had consumed me for thirteen years of my young life. Sex had consumed us even more so. What better way to move on than to turn my back on the very things that had become a crutch. Oh yes, freedom and new beginnings...

Then walks in Temptation. Minding my own business on a night out with the girls, a guy spots me. I ignore him. He walks over. I ignore him. He talks. I ignore him. He really talks and smiles. Oh that smile. I pretend to ignore him. We kiss. I can't ignore him.

I've vowed to stay celibate for one year. That's twelve months, 365 days and google tells me a total of 8766 whole hours! I've abstained for four months, one week and two days. I have seven months, three weeks and five days remaining.

But Temptation is here now and he's dressed so smartly, and smells so delicious. And that smile, oh that smile...

FGM and Sex: Does sex ever become pleasurable?

I am so thrilled! I just read in Pambazuka of the first hospital in Burkina Faso, “The Pleasure Hospital” that is reconstructing clitorises for women who have been subjected to female genital mutilation. Since I started thinking seriously about women’s rights to pleasurable sex and sexuality I have always wondered about women who have been FGM’d. Do they have pleasurable sex?

I have read a few books by African women who have suffered from the practice. Those that readily come to mind include Aman’s autobiography, Aryan Hirsi’s Infidel and Waris Dirie’s Desert Flower. If I remember correctly Dirie is critical of the practice, Hirsi wrote eloquently about the torture she and her sister underwent in the name of culture and Aman refused to criticise or condone FGM. These books informed me about the pain that women who have suffered FGM go through during menstruation, intercourse and childbirth yet still let me wondering, “Do they ever get to a stage where sex becomes pleasurable?”

Does anyone know whether sex can be pleasurable if your clitoris has been cut off/excised/infibulated? I am very conscious that I am at this point thinking of vaginal/clitoral sex and not much broader…

Dating a sexuality blogger?

How soon shall I tell a guy (who is interested in me) that I blog about sex and sexuality?

Sometimes the subject of blogging never comes up at all yet there have been three occasions where people have come up to me and either said "I love your blog", are you the same "Nana Darkoa who writes Adventures" or "I found your blog through google".

One of my fellow bloggers (male) told me some time ago that I should't tell a guy I have just met that I blog about sex. I think his concern was that I might get a stalker... @fellow male blogger, correct me if I am wrong.

I find that I often tell African women to check out my blog as I consciously write for women but rarely tell men to check out my blog. My concern in telling a man about my blog would be the assumptions he will make about me and I suspect those assumptions may not be all that flattering. I would hate for someone to read my blog and assume that I am going to have sex with them or that I am loose. On the other hand there is a part of me that doesn't give a toss what the majority of people think about me. I reckon that those who matter will take me just as I am.

So what are your thoughts? Ladies if you were me, in the natural conversation you have with guys who fancy you would you casually mention the blog on sexuality you contribute to or would you wait until you got to know the individual a lot better? Gentlemen, what would you think if you met a woman you fancied and she contributed to this blog?

Over the river and through the woods to the Love Shack we go!

Last week Nana and I went to the sex shop when she visited Atlanta. She has revealed on this blog that she has an “aversion” (if you can call it that) to going to Ghanaian sex shops and might feel more comfortable visiting one in the states. I on the other hand, have never been to a sex shop, anywhere. Somehow I always imagined seedy old men and semen on the walls in these establishments, and the thought has repulsed me enough to keep me out of any shop’s doors.

Until last week.

I dutifully took Nana to The Love Shack, which looked just like a shack. It was a wooden cabin decked out with neon lights, and I was grateful for the cover of night to cloak me from anyone seeing me go in. When we entered, a heavily tattooed lady interrupted her phone call to greet us and instructed us to let her know if we needed any help. We smiled and said thanks.

For my part, the atmosphere of the Love Shack conveyed more to do with fucking than it did with love. A visit to the store did not inspire me to purchase a toy and run home to show my man with relish and gusto. Apparently, several other people felt the same. A middle aged white couple came in, walked around for a few minutes and hastily exited the door.

“Nothing for you tonight?” said tattoo lady to the couple. “Come back and see us!” You could hear the disappointment through her false upbeat-ness.

As you come into the store, the “toys” and apparatus just got freakier and freakier. There was a big black plastic thing called the Double Teamer (you figure it out) and then this HUGE monster gel filled purple dick called the Ultimate Challenge. No lie, it had to be 18” long and at least 4” wide. The thought of stuffing something like that into my or anyone else’s vagina did not invoke thoughts of pleasure.

The video section of the Shack was possibly the most amusing, and made me feel like a total prude. As we strolled over to check out the titles, we nearly collided with a massive black man, who could have easily been a line backer for the Atlanta Falcons…in the GAY PORN SECTION. He carefully studied covers with titles such as “Gag that Fag”, made his selection, and walked over to the counter to pay. Nana and I walked over to the Lesbian and Straight porn section to look for what she called “woman friendly porn”. After she described what it was, I knew we wouldn’t find it among the DVDs portraying women with legs akimbo and four to fifteen penises wagging in her face.

I had seen enough, and I could sense Nana was ready to go. But the Shack was not done with us yet! As we were about to leave, I noticed a staircase to the left and pointed it out.
“What’s that,” Nana asked.
“It’s probably just more videos,” I replied.
“No, no,” said the mass of tattoos eagerly. “It’s a viewing booth.”
“A viewing booth??” we said in unison.

At that moment, a twenty something white boy in cargo shorts came down the stairs looking somewhat shaken and headed back for the video section. I am sad to report that our revulsion overpowered our journalistic curiosity and we did NOT go upstairs to see what/who was in that booth. We left the store empty handed and heads full of possible atrocities taking place in the attic of the shack.

Two days later I took Nana to visit my friend who is a purveyor of all things to do with pleasure. We bought a few things from her Pure Romance line, from the comfort of her home: some mechanized thing that seeks out your g-spot and coochy cream. I was far more comfortable in this setting, despite the Disney cartoon that was playing in the background. Somehow, that just seemed a little weird, seeing as we were three grown women talking about sexual intimacy and there was not a child in sight…

Shopping for Sex Toys

We walk into “The Love Shack” and we’re welcomed by a be-tattoed “biker looking” woman who wants to know if there is anything in particular we’re looking for. I am with my co-contributor on this blog (we have also decided to do a double post on our sex toy shopping experience). I am not looking for anything in particular, I just want to see what else there is in the sex toy world. I ask if she stocks the Screaming O which a reader of this blog recommends; she’s out of stock but shows me the leaflet. I realise that the Screaming O is actually the name of a range of sex toys. According to our sales assistant/manager/owner she and her hubby love the Screaming O. Drat; I wish it was in stock.


We’re the only women in the shop. Abena points out to me a huge black man who heads straight for the Gay Porn section. Hmmm, one really should not stereotype. A skinny white man is also in the film section. There is nothing in the vibrator section which grabs my interest. At this point in time I am thinking “Do you really need more than one vibrator”. Ohmigod! I see the hugest longest vibrator ever; it must be like 20 inches, what does one do with a thing that huge. I also see a purple double vibrator, I don’t think that’s the technical name but the vibrator is designed to go into two people together. Oh yes, and I spot the pleasure beads that Chrysalis commented about...


We want to go to the film section now but somehow I feel uncomfortable with huge black guy and skinny white man being there...we linger a bit longer in the vibrator section but it doesn’t look like the men will be leaving anytime soon so we just walk over. None of the films look appealing at all! One film cover is of a woman with a penis in every possible crevice and cum all over her face. Eugh!


I decide I do not like the environment and so we leave. I want an environment that’s more friendly to women. The typical Ann Summers shop is much nicer, I had also heard some time ago about Sh, a sex shop in London which is for women only. From what I had heard, men can only visit the shop if they are accompanied by a woman. There is a solution though and a day later we trek to the home of a Pure Romance saleswoman. In anticipation of our visit she has arranged on her living table an assortment of vibrators, massage oils, edible creams and books. Ah, this is more like it, definitely a friendlier environment. I have issues with some of the stuff she tries to sell me, such as the lubricant that keeps on re-moisturising so you never get dry. Apparently it’s very popular with women. I’m sorry; if I am dry then you need to work harder!


Now I know I said what’s the point of having two vibrators but I end up buying a vibrator. Now this vibrator is really unique. There is a protrusion at one end which is supposed to stimulate your G spot and a concave dip on the opposite side which is for clitoral stimulation. Even better, the range is being discontinued so the vibrator is a bargain at $10 a pop. I buy two.


Nana Darkoa

Things your vibrator will/can never do for/to you

Vibrators (or toys in general) and their use seem to be quite the hot topic on this blog! One viewer’s reaction to my pondering on how my husband would feel if I bought one really struck me. He said something akin to “a vibrator cannot give you emotional support and sex is not just about something filling up your pussy…” or something like that. The only thing I can actually quote verbatim from his ‘contribution’ is the phrase “filling up your pussy”.

But that got me to thinking. The male contributor did make a valid point. There are certain things a vibrator (or any other sex toy) cannot do for you. I’ve made a list of those off the top of my head.

1. A vibrator cannot tell you it loves you.
2. A vibrator cannot give you a hug and whisper affirming words in your ear after sex.

BUT:
1. If you keep your vibrator charged or filled with batteries, it will never run out on you (like your man might).
2. A vibrator will not stop until YOU are satisfied.
3. A vibrator will not cum all over your sheets, or ask if it can cum in your hair after you’ve just had it washed.
4. A vibrator will never cheat on you.
5. A vibrator will be home when you get there.
6. A vibrator will never be with another woman (unless you have a nasty habit of sharing your plastic).
7. A vibrator will never leave the toilet seat up or take a piss on your floor if it missed the bowl.

AND:
1. Although a vibrator cannot love you, it sure can help you love yourself!

Did I miss anything? :)

Good Girls don't have sex if...

Good girls don’t have sex if they want to get married or have a relationship. I think Emz who commented on the previous post hit the nail on the head when she said, that’s “the African Woman’s Conundrum”. I think it’s even more of a conundrum because most women intellectually know that having sex does not equate badness yet through personal experience some women have had to make the decision that if what they want is a relationship or marriage then they cannot sleep with this attractive, good looking man even if he is the one they want the relationship/marriage with. In fact, especially if he is that man.

Recently I was having dinner with a group of girlfriends (I have realised that a lot of my posts are inspired by conversations with women) and as usual the conversation turned to men and relationships. (Can I go off track here? I seriously think women spend TOO much time talking and thinking about men. It’s ridiculous. I am convinced men do not spend one-tenth of the time we spend talking about them, talking about us). Personally I had hoped that for women in their thirties this issue of “not giving it up” would no longer be an issue. I had hoped that women could decide to have safe, consensual sex with whomever they want to have sex with without waiting for a set period (in order to pass the goodness test). I had hoped that men no longer judged women by how long they took to “give it up”. Even that phrase “giving it up” is highly problematic. If sex which should be a consensual act between two individuals is often thought of as an act which one gives up and the other takes then that is where the problem starts.

Back to this dinner with my girls; over the starters and main course we updated one another on our lives and by default on our relationships/lack of relationships/complicated relationships and I found to my growing surprise that by the time dinner ended three of my girlfriends had decided not to have sex until...One girlfriend decided to abstain for a year and another joined her in solidarity. The third girl stated (I later found out that I had misquoted her slightly on the previous post – but the meaning is the same), “Why would you want to pay for the cow when you are getting the milk for free”. Oh and by the way there were only four girls at the dinner table.

Now even though I was the only girl/woman who did not sign up to not having sex until...I can understand where my sisters were coming from. My conversation with this particular group of girls is an echo of other conversations I have had, experiences I have heard about and books I have read. Experience appears to have taught a significant amount of women that if you want to be in a relationship then you better not give up the pussy too soon because the man would either:

1. Bounce because sex wasn’t that great or
2. Want to continue having sex with you but not want to formalise the relationship.
   

Darian in a comment on the previous post spoke about the inherent hypocrisy in these double standards. These rules of sex = bad girl only apply to women. The reason for this is summed up in the word oft quoted by feminists, “patriarchy”.

I for one do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is narrow minded enough to judge me based on whether I have sex with that individual within 24 hours or 365 days.

Your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

P.S: Nana Yaw, I have heard about re-virginisation through Marie Claire and other publications but do not have a great deal to say on the subject in this particular post. Sorry.

What shall I blog on next?

There are so many posts I want to write and I don’t know which one to focus on next so I am taking votes through your comments:

1. Shall I write on sex during your period – in this post I want to explore the notion of taboo and sex whilst menstruating.

2. Good Girls don’t have sex if they want to get married or have a relationship – in a recent conversation with some of my girls many of them said they had decided not to have sex for some time. As one of them said and I paraphrase “why would you want to pay for the cow when you already have it for free”.

3.Sex and the new media – I have no idea how this will pan out but I am very interested in new/social media and I am wondering whether this is having any impact on relationships and sex.

4.I will be visiting a sex shop when I travel (to the US) next week. So wanted to write a post on what else there is beyond vibrators (or at least the Rabbit). I seem to be obsessed with Mr V and surely there is a wider world of sex toys out there.

Is there anything else you would like me to write on?

Nana Darkoa

To Vibrate or not to Vibrate: The merits of Mechanical versus Manual Stimulation

Shane asked on a post some weeks ago if I could write a post on the merits of Mechanical versus Manual Stimulation so here goes...

For me pleasurable sex is all about my clit. Seriously, you cannot go wrong by paying a little (or a lot of) attention to my clitoris; however you can definitely go wrong when you head straight for the clit as part of foreplay (which really for me is main play. The reason is I prefer for my clit to be touched when I am wet is... a dry pussy/clit and manual stimulation does not go well at all! I really like it when (after I have been sufficiently aroused) my clit is rubbed to the point of orgasm and in this type of scenario I prefer my lover to use his fingers. Somehow, it is more intimate.

However, bringing some mechanical stimulation (a vibrator...sorry Pen Powder) into the bed definitely adds a little extra va va voom. For one, it guarantees an orgasm when you are having sex in a position where your clit is not easily stimulated. I am thinking here of the proverbial doggy style. So your lover is f***king you from behind and when you are ready to come you just hold the ears of the Rabbit against your clit. Trust me this is a great result for both of you. He gets to feel you orgasm whilst he is still inside you (all the tremors, shaking, etc) and you have a great orgasm.

Before I acquired my first vibrator I would touch myself with just my finger when masturbating but after I discovered Mr V (which is what I call my vibrator), nine times out of ten I just use Mr V. What I have realised is that Mr V guarantees an orgasm but sometimes it is just too quick, whereas if you are using your finger somehow the process is longer and so the pleasure also lasts longer.

On the other hand there are times when Mr V is just not available and so I re-discover the joys of manual stimulation...trips abroad and being horny in the workplace are just two of the scenarios that come to mind. I have never been able to travel with my vibrator, I just have a fear that a customs officer will manually search my luggage and say “Now what do we have here?”

What are your thoughts on manual versus mechanical stimulation?


Nana Darkoa

Guest Blogger Nana Yaw Asiedu on eating "Melons"

Being unable to lift you
Being so rounded and so full
I sure cannot eat you whole
So I go from piece to piece
I discard your black clothing
And how you’re fleshy inside
I take a part and lick it all
And each next is sweeter still
Being so big it takes some time
But I get to the piece I saved for last
And like a slave I get to work
Even when all the juice is gone
Even when all the fruit is gone
I know I am hungry still
I stay long enough to kill
Till what’s left has got no taste
But still I am in no haste
Finally I have to let go
I’ll not hunger for one week
Anyway I’ll be too weak.

Nana Yaw Asiedu blogs at http://www.antirhythm.blogspot.com/

Nana Darkoa's P.S: Can you believe NY wrote this poetry when he was a virgin? Who says sexuality has to be inextricably linked to sex? Does poetry turn you on?

Say Hello to My “little” Friend

There comes a point in every relationship when you have to introduce a third party to spice things up. For some of the more freakier people out there (okay, lets not judge them; lets call them “adventurous”), this may mean bringing another man or woman into the bedroom. Some people like/need to watch porn to get their rocks off. For others, electronic devices seem to do the trick.

I’ll never forget the day I was introduced to a vibrator. It was light yellow, about 8 – 9 inches long, and looked like a missile. It also belonged to one of my best friend’s mother, who was from the Gambia.

“Come to my parent’s room,” said Issa. “I want to show you something.”

In my experience, going to one’s own parent’s room was dangerous enough, but violating the sanctity of another person’s parent’s room was truly taboo.

“Nooo,” I said. “I think I should stay right here.”

“Here” was in the hall; the acceptable place for all visitors in African society.

Issa grabbed my hand and told me to hurry. Her mom would be back soon. We went up the stairs and into the impressively decorated sanctum of Auntie Ida’s room. Issa went into her lingerie drawer and pulled out the missile.

“Look at this!” she whispered loudly. “I can’t believe my parents use one of these!”

I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at, so all I could muster was an “Oh…I see.”

“Do you know what this is?” asked Issa.

A blank look from me. She commanded me to hold it and smell it. I recoiled…because again, I didn’t know what the hell it was, and how useful it might be to her mother.

“It’s a VIBRATOR!” she exclaimed in exasperation.

Still, blankness shadowed my face.

“Ebei! You really don’t know anything, do you?” Her disgust was apparent, and I sensed that I had caused an anti-climatic end to minutes of plotting and planning on her behalf. She put the vibrator back in the draw and pushed me out the door.

Years later, I attended a Pure Romance party with some friends and was introduced to ‘The Liberator’…a purple, latex electronic penis that instantly caused a stir and wetness in my pants on sight. After gingerly rubbing my hands over the head of, El Liberator I passed him/it on to the lady to the left of me. Suddenly, I was taken back to Auntie Ida’s room to that fateful day in 1992. I also thought of Uncle Ahmed. He was a big, impressively built fellow, but did he lack skill in bed? Was his dick small, despite his large physique? Did Auntie Ida have to “finish the job” herself in the bathroom with her yellow vibrator in order to reach a climax? Or worse yet…did the vibrator belong to Uncle Ahmed???? No, no…he was a strict Muslim and would never…Or would he?

I don’t know what the dynamics of relationship between Auntie Ida, Uncle Ahmed and the little yellow missile were, but for my own part, I’m considering bringing the Liberator home to see how my husband would feel about it. Does that make a freak? 30 years ago, maybe; but today, hardly.

Does anybody else out there have a “little friend” you’re considering bringing to the party? I want to know!

Cunninglus or Getting to know yourself

A lady brought some second hand books to my office to sell. She had been there previously to sell books and I wasn’t interested in anything she had at the time. So I told her my preference in books...she came yesterday with books by Iyanla Vanzant, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker and Whoopi Goldberg. I already had a copy of the book she had brought by Maya (she is my favourite author in the whole wide world, one of my greatest wishes is to meet her so if you can hook up a sister I shall be ever grateful) so I did not purchase it. I had read the book she brought by Alice Walker but did not own it so purchased it anyway. Not a fan of Iyanla so left that behind. I was thinking to myself “why on earth would I want to read Whoopi Goldberg” so thought I would flip through the contents page. There was a chapter on sex so I scanned the chapter and I saw this:

“When I was younger I tried to go down on myself, with some success. I actually could reach, and I remember thinking that was a big deal, but I couldn’t do much down there. I could get to it, but that wasn’t enough. You have to be double- jointed and flexible and big into yoga if you want to get anything accomplished. I couldn’t really get off on just reaching. A lot of people have probably tried. (Shit I hope so; I just admitted I tried to eat myself out when I was a kid so y’all better be fallin’ in line right behind me.)I think guys have it easier, because their dicks are reaching back in the other direction; they’re helping out a little bit. It’s easier to get to dick than pussy, if it’s your dick or pussy. And with pussy you not only have to get down there, you have to kind of get down and around and underneath. You have to be able to see what you’re doing, get a feel for the area, spend some time with it, only with me it was just too fucking uncomfortable to keep at it. I was all curled and rolled into a ball and craning my neck like a long-necked dinosaur in the fetal position” Goldberg, W. (1997) Book. New York: Roy Weisbach Books, pp117-118

I had read enough. I bought the book.

What I liked about this piece is that Whoopi actually tried to get to know her pussy (or whatever name you call your vagina – check out Ms Kitty Kat’s post). How many of us try to know our pussy? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Dare I say, what does it taste like?

I was chatting to one of my male friends the other day; he hasn’t had intercourse this year, has recently broken up with his wife and he said to me “I miss eating pussy”. I thought (almost simultaneously) “Ahhh” and “I thought guys didn’t like going down, and only did it under duress”. Your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

He Killed Our Relationship with a Kiss

Arguably, one could say that many relationships are determined by that first kiss. I am of the opinion that a kiss, like a person’s eyes, is a window into that person’s soul. How does your man approach his kiss with you? Is he intense, shy, forceful? How you kiss and are being kissed says a lot about you and the object of your desire…or in the case, your repulsion.

I want to share a ghastly experience that haunts me to this day. Ironically, said ghastly experience brings a deep chuckle to my good friend (and co-blogger) Nana, whenever we have occasion to bring it up.

In our secondary school years (back in 1996 when light skinned or ‘half caste’ guys were “in”) we shared a mutual interest in a particular young man with caramel colored skin, soft pouty lips and long eyelashes. We’ll just call him ‘Marboo’. Marboo was from Liberia and was very different from Ghanaian boys. He had a swagger and an “I don’t care-ism” about him that appealed to us both. Nana and I had watched other foolish girls on our campus fall out with each other over the pursuit of boys, and we made a pact: Whoever Marboo showed the most interest in would be free to date him without the interference of the other. In fact, we would support the other in such an event.

After a few weeks of co-courting, Marboo decided it was I that he was interested in. I was elated! I traveled from Labone to community 12 in Tema to visit him whenever I could. After a few weeks of taking it slow, Marboo decided to go in for the kill when I visited him at his home one evening. He suggested that we go for a stroll around his neighborhood and took me to a remote corner, where the only feature of interest was a cinder-block wall. Marboo inched closer to me. The first thing I noticed is that he smelled of sweat and Lifebuoy soap. Not very pleasing to the senses, but whatever. I waited in breathless anticipation for our mouths to touch. He pushed me forcefully against the wall (ooohh, hot!!) and began to assault my face with a barrage of…kisses? In no time did his mouth touch mine. His lips were everywhere, leaving spittle and slobber and SPIT all over my face and hair. I think I felt some drip down my neck. I starred at him in disbelief when it was all over. He mistook the look for awe, or perhaps appreciation.

“I hope you enjoyed that,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. “That was something.”

He asked me to walk HIM home and once he was safely at his doorstep, I took a taxi…straight to Nana’s house to tell her about what had just transpired. She cackled the same way then as she does today when we talk about Marboo and the night he bathed me with his mouth. I never spoke to him again after that, despite his lazy attempts to ‘stalk’ and contact me.

What’s the worst kiss you have ever had to endure? Please share. I don’t want to feel like I am alone in this.

uploaded on behalf of Abena

Abstinence in a sex obsessed world?

A post on abstinence on a blog that seeks to provide a space for African women to share tips, experiences and more... Well, why not? When I read the request to write a post on abstinence I had to laugh. I laughed because I haven’t ever made a conscious decision to practice abstinence and frankly I do not want to be celibate. I have had conversations with one of my friends on the subject of abstinence several times but I don’t really feel like celibacy is for me.

I suspect that there are a variety of reasons why people practice abstinence. One of my girlfriends is celibate at the moment because her last relationship ended a few months ago. In a conversation with another girl a couple of months ago she mentioned to me that she has been celibate since her last relationship broke up – her reason was to develop a closer spiritual relationship with God so it was out with everything sexual – no kissing, vibrators, nothing.


According to my dear friend Abena (and fellow collaborator on this blog) the only thing worse than no sex is bad sex...

I am very curious about abstinence though and because I do not have a great deal of knowledge or insight on the subject I am going to pose a series of questions aimed at people who practice celibacy or abstain from sex. I hope you can provide some answers to so we can learn more together:

• What do you do when you feel horny?
• How long have you been celibate for?
• How do you experience your sexuality?
• Have you had sex before?
• What are you looking forward to the most when you next have sex?
• Do you know anyone who is celibate?
• Is it better to abstain from sex than to have bad sex?
  
  Nana Darkoa

Sex and your parents

I remember many years ago my friend telling me that she asked her Mum if she had ever given her Dad a blow job. Her Mum did not know what a blow job was so my friend had to describe the act to her very horrified mother – the answer was NO, her Mum had never given her dad a blowjob.

I have just been listening to The Interview on the BBC world service which today featured a former trader in the city of London who has recently published an expose on life in the city including experiences of drugs, strip joints, etc. He said he had asked his parents not to read the book and told them it was too “racy” for them. That got me thinking about how as adults we discuss sex with our parents.

When I started this blog, I told my Mum I was blogging about sex...she smiled shyly and asked no questions. I was satisfied, at least she knows, so if someone says “Ei, do you know what your daughter is doing” she can say “Yes”. The other day I said to her “the blog is quite saucy” to which she replied “so where can I access it” and I said “I’ll show you” but I haven’t...

As for my Dad, I haven’t even mentioned my blog to him. He will probably ask me to log on to the site straightaway so he can read the blog...

I am curious about others. Do you discuss sex with your parents? Would you want to? Do you want to know if your parents have sex? Is it none of your business?

Nana Darkoa

Fantasising: Sick or not?

My last post has had one of the fewest responses ever...it took over a week to get a second comment (and what a great comment that was). I was speaking to Mr L during the week and I said to him:

“Hardly anyone has commented on my last blog about women’s fantasies, I wonder why”

and he said

“Either their fantasies are too sick or they are scared they will be found out”.

This raised several questions in my mind:

• What kinds of fantasies are too sick to be written down?


• Isn’t that the whole point of fantasising, to be as sick as you want?


• What are sick fantasies?


• Do your fantasies have to come true?


• Are your fantasies not as enjoyable once they become reality?


• Do you have any fantasties?

Your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

My Secret Garden: African women's sexual fantasies

Ages ago a male friend told me about a book he had read, "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday. According to him the book was a real turn on so off I trotted to the bookshop and bought myself a copy. Personally I didn't find the book a huge turn on but I appreciated the project Ms Friday had embarked on and that was to document women's fantasties. As is often the case with the books on sexuality I have come across the women featured were North American and English (I also get the impression that most of them were white). There is a comment she makes in her preface which I so agree with:

"In trying to understand what it is to be a woman neither nationality nor class helps define us so much as the honesty of our feelings about ourselves and our desires"

Friday was motivated to compile the sexual fantasies of women when she revealed her own sexual fantasy to her hitherto liberated lover...after he had asked her during sex "what are you thinking?" (how often do you get asked this question or ask it yourself? I get asked and also ask often)his reaction was to get up, put on his clothing and leave.

Friday found women's fantasties fall into mainly 16 principal themes. I cannot list all 16 here but the list included:

Annonymity - sex where for one reason or the other the face/body/image of the other person is not revealed

The Audience - sex with other people watching

Other women - sex with other women

When it comes to fantasies I sometimes struggle. I have found guys often ask "what's your fantasy?" in a bid to help you realise your fantasties but for me that is a difficulty. The fantasy might not even involve the guy in question at all! I suspect that the fantasy may be more enjoyable than the reality. Am I wrong? Has anyone realised their fantasies and thought "that was out of this world". In case you're wondering my fantasy would be for some girl on girl action.

Can we start our very own secret garden? What are your fantasies? Please list them in the comments field. Guys if you want to list your fantasties just indicate you're male so we can disaggregate by gender.

Nana Darkoa

Sex education for adults?

Today I delivered a guest lecture to students at a 6th form college and one of them came up to me and said "Are you the same person who writes on the blog Adventures from"? My response was of course "Yes" but it got me thinking...

A fellow blogger was saying to me a few days ago that I should designate my blog as an adult site. He made me laugh because he was like "I can't read about that...", "you can't read about what exactly"? was my response. He replied "you know what I mean, don't drill me". I laughed because he did not even want to mention the word sex. I understood though, there is a huge silence when it comes to sex. The silence is even more deafening when you move outside what is expected to be the norm, when you consider diverse sexualities, when you focus on pleasureable sex for women and when you advocate for comprehensive sex education.

So back to the student who had read my blog. I asked him after the lecture, "So, how old are you?", "17" he responded. "I am only asking because you read my blog". "I shall be 18 this year" was his response as he headed off to the next college activity.

Hmm, plenty for me to think about. When I started this blog I had as my target audience women, primarily African women. I hadn't thought of an age bracket though, but if I had envisaged one I would have said 20+. What I have realised though is I have quite a few male readers and it appears some young readers too. In my mind this can only be a good thing. Afterall young people have access to porn, right wing thought and some pretty scary information on the net. I think of my blog as Sex education for adults. One of my friends though said it's porn.

What are your thoughts? Is this blog sex education for adults? Porn? A site for African women to share experiences? (my initial mission) Is this site suitable for teenagers? Should it be? Should I designate it as an adult site?

Guest Blogger Ms Money Penny: Love your body and have great sex!

The quality of sex you have with your lover/partner can be greatly improved by the amount of self confidence you have which comes from amongst other things, loving your body.

I personally can share a few experiences.
It is not that I didn’t love my body in the past; it is just that I didn’t really pay much attention.

As the years have gone by and various things have happened I have paid more attention to my body, negatives and positives and listened to what various lovers, male friends and acquaintances have had to say about me. Honestly, I wish I had maximized my assets when I was younger, however it is never too late to start afresh.

As a result of my new found self- appreciation, I am more confident, feel sexy most of the time and dress accordingly.

My lover senses this air of confidence and sexiness and this translates into fantastic love-making sessions. Also, because we don’t take ourselves too seriously (we are not performing for the camera) we laugh after our prolonged moaning and groaning and I am not self-conscious about walking naked in from of him.

In summary, no matter the hang-ups we may have about our bodies, we should work with what we have and be happy. Not only will we feel great, but we will have better sex and that has got to be a good thing.

Ms Money Penny

Sex outside the bedroom

Over dinner and drinks with my girlfriends yesterday the subject turned to men and sex. In terms of our sexual "tastes" the menu was diverse. There was of course:

1. The "sex and sexuality blogger", yours truly
2. The " I've got to have it two times a day", at least and "Oh, I have whole body orgasms"
3. The " I really can't be bothered about sex"
4. The "I love to play" and I'm heading to the sex shop soon with my current playmate for some toys
5. The "I love sex but not having any" since my relationship ended

What are your sexual tastes? One of my girlfriend's gave us a good laugh when she told us about having sex in a car on the Sphintex road (now for all my international readers, Sphintex is probably one of the busiest and most congested roads in Accra). We were all just thinking "You are so lucky that you did not get caught by the police". Has anybody been caught having sex in public by the law or anyone else?

That got me thinking, outside the bedroom where have you had your most risque sexual encounters? As usual I shall start with myself.

• On the veranda of the Busua Beach Resort
• In a car parked in the driveway of my home
• In a car parked in the yard of my lover's house (I notice there's a car theme emerging here), I obviously need to become more adventurous

Do add your own list to the comments field.

Nana Darkoa

Guest Blogger Ms MoneyPenny on "Making Love versus Having Sex"

I met Dark Skinned Brother (DSB) on a night out with friends and immediately our conversation was underpinned with sexual undertones.

He was confident, strong, bold and very sexy. His voice always got to me…..deep and velvety smooth…

There were times when we made love and it was beyond the physical……
Sometimes we fucked, fast and furious, satisfying the animal urges within us.
We had sex in public places, laughing throughout the whole experience and sometimes we just hugged and slept in each other’s arms.

The lesson I learnt from my relationship with DSB was that when you are in tune with someone, on all levels of human existence (which we were), it doesn’t matter what kind of sex you have. You will always feel fulfilled and satisfied …

Ms Moneypenny

Happy International Women's Day!

In a few minutes it will be International Women's Day (that's assuming you live in the same time zone as I do). On this day I wish for all women:

1. The right to safer sex


2. The right to an orgasm. Heck! the right to multiple orgasms...


3. The right to let go of all cultural and social taboos that restrict and limit women's sexualities

Nana Darkoa

On Anal Sex, Pornography and Sex Toys

One of the commenter’s on a previous post wanted to know our thoughts on anal sex, pornography and sex toys. I can’t speak for Abena so as usual I shall speak for myself.

Anal Sex – I have tried it once and I’m not a big fan. I may even go so far to say never again. Saying that, I don’t think the real issue was the act itself but the emotional context in which the act took place. At the time I was in the dying stages of a relationship and my partner at the time decided that the one thing he wanted was to have anal sex with me, He badgered me until I agreed (needless to say I have outgrown consenting to acts that I am not 100% up for). So he started, got about halfway through and then started crying, “I’m so sorry”. I ended up comforting him, “Don’t worry, its fine” but I was the one who ended up with a sore arse.

On the other hand one of my girlfriend raves about the joys of anal sex (I am sure she will not mind me paraphrasing her here). She and her boyfriend decided “Yep, we want to try anal” and so she did her research... bought the best lubes on the market, bought an anal dildo to practice with and away they went. According to her you can get the most amazing sensations from anal sex. However, she’s the only friend who has told me about her experiences of anal sex. I am interested in the opinion of other women. Are you like me? Do you think never again, not in a million years or do you think Yep, greatest thing since cunninlingus?

Pornography – I have mixed feelings about pornography. From having read people like Andrea Dworkin I know that there is a school of thought that believes pornography encourages rape and sexual violence. I am also concerned that there are millions of women who are trafficked, abused and exploited in the sex industry (of which pornography is a part). Another concern is that the majority of pornography is made for the male gaze, so shot in ways that are more likely to titillate men...what is up with shoving humongous dicks in the face of women or spraying semen all over a woman’s face? That is definitely not a turn for me. I have watched pornography though, on my own and with partners (With one partner we ended up throwing away all the videos because I started over analyzing the scenes) A friend once gave me some lesbian porn which I thought was incredibly erotic (I tell you I was sad to give those DVDs back). I have also researched some women friendly porn videos – shot by women and for the woman’s gaze, so designed to please women. No sperm shots here.

Sex toys – I love sex toys! Really I don’t have much to say on the subject except the rabbit is the best invention ever. Tip for the ladies – when you and your partner are having sex doggy style hold the ears of the rabbit against your clit. You will have the best orgasm of your life ever! At least, that always works for me.

Nana Darkoa

Guest Blogger Miss Kitty Kat on her relationship with her ...

Whoopi Goldberg refers to hers as a Punany, six-year old Kate calls hers tata, Annie cheekily calls hers her va jay jay, Steve calls mine a Punkie and Dufie calls hers a pussy.

I don’t have a name for mine. Why? because I tend to only refer to it in a sexual context. Either I am telling someone to do something to it or with it...and in that instance I call it whatever they call it.

As an 18 year old College student watching the Vagina monologues, I was moved to tears. The stories of the liberated women in the vagina monologues were confrontational, reflective, challenging and beautiful. The only relationship I had with my virginal ____ (insert whatever you want to call it J ) was a tolerating one. After all, periods were no fun and as a tom boy I hated the monthly reminder that I was a girl. All women have a relationship with their vagina, and good or bad this relationship influences their attitudes towards sex, their sexuality, their self-image and even their self-esteem.

With mine, the relationship has improved greatly but the dear thing still doesn’t have a name. . Vagina is too clinical and yet none of the other words fit. They are either too derogatory, remind me too much of porn movies or are just silly *Ahem Woman flower*. What do you call yours? And how do you relate to it? Are you friends? Enemies? or flat mates?


Posted by Miss Kitty Kat

The Vagina Monologues: Ghana style

Yesterday, myself and two of my girlfriends watched a production of The Vagina Monologues at the Efua Sutherland Theatre, University of Ghana, Legon. I was keen to watch the production, especially because The Vagina Monologues was banned in Uganda. I do not know the official reason given for the ban but I do recognise that some African states prevent women from openly speaking up about their sexuality (read Vagina in the case of The Vagina Monologues) so i felt really excited that in Ghana we can openly watch The Vagina Monolgues.

One of the most interesting portions of the monologue was when the women demonstrated the various sounds they make when climaxing. There was "Oh, oh, ooh, ooooh,ooooohhhh", there was "Ah ahhhh, ahhhh, eiiiii"... there was even a machine gun sounding climax. Girlfriend A said to me "Do you think people make different sounds depending on their cultural background? For example, in some countries women do not make a sound when they are giving birth and in others they do". Now this was a question I have no answer to so I am asking you my beloved readers. Personally I tend to be fairly quiet during sex until I get really excited but I have also learnt that the moans are useful feedback for your lover. If you do not moan when you are enjoying a particular touch or act how does your lover know to continue?

What are your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

Great sex tips for people who are in Good Relationships

I am defining a “good” relationship as one in which both parties are happy and fulfilled. However being in a “good” relationship does not always guarantee a great sex life (although a great sex life might be one of your indicators for a good relationship). So here are my thoughts on how to have great sex in a relationship:

• Remember that sex is important! Sometimes sex gets left on the back burner, what with the demands of work, children (if you have them) and all the various other commitments you may have. You can even try making “nooky dates” to guarantee that you do have sex.

• Flip the script. I know I have said this before on previous posts but this is especially important in a relationship. You know what your partner likes by now so you automatically start to go down on her, for example. That can be boring if this is always your first move so do something different … give her a massage, wear a scandalous piece of lingerie, try some body paint, have sex in the car, on the beach …I’m sure you get the idea.

• Do not have penetrative sex. Yes, I know some of you may be thinking “what’s the point?” but seriously we sometimes have sex with penetration as the goal which can detract so much from all the pleasure that can be derived along the way. So tease your partner, enjoy touching, feeling, licking, sucking…but no penetration. Okay, maybe after a looooong time.

• Let your partner know when you are pissed off with them. When I am angry with my partner I cannot connect with the person physically. It just doesn’t happen. Does anyone else experience this? And I so do not like “make up sex”. I am still pissed off, what are you trying to have sex with me for?

• Do go away on a dirty weekend somewhere. For me this is idyllic. I pack all my sexy lingerie, toys and any other accessories I may need. A beach resort is great! Sex, beach and food. What more could a girl want?

• Remember you have a great body whatever size and shape you are. Besides candle light is always flattering and romantic.

• Have sex at unexpected times and in unexpected places…kind of linked to point number 2.

• Be faithful to your partner. This is so important it should have been tip number 1. Finding out that your partner has cheated on you destroys not just great sex but a good relationship. It also increases your risk to the numerous sexually transmitted diseases that are out there.
  
  So for all those out there in relationships what can you add to this list? For the singletons, what will you put on your list if you were to write a piece on “Great sex tips for singletons”?
  
  Nana Darkoa

Anatomy of a Break-up

An integral part of any relationship is when it comes to an end…and yes, every relationship will end. Be it a one night shag-fest or the departure of souls after a long “ ‘til death do us part”, you’ll have to say good-bye to your partner in one way or another.

The other day, I was sitting around gabbing with a friend of mine who had just returned from Ghana. As usual, she was moaning about her lack of a man, and I was consoling her with information on the problems that the very presence of a man can bring. (She had just recently been dumped via Facebook). In the midst of our conversation, she recounted a story that left me grateful to every man (or boy) who’s ever broken up with me.

A friend of her house girl, (we’ll call her ‘Ama’) had moved in with her boyfriend (and we’ll name him ‘Kofi’) after a brief courtship. The couple was in “love” and wanted to be together in what my friend called a “Ghana-style” marriage. Kofi was unemployed, and did little odds and ends to make money. Ama was a trader and they lived together in his rented room for a few months. Life together was typical of any young struggling African couple. She cooked, and washed and went off to trade her wares…and he did whatever Ghana boys with no job do day-to-day. In between that, I’m sure that had sex. (What else was the point of her moving in?)

One night, around midnight as the story goes, Ama woke up with Kofi kneeling over her, with a knife to her throat.

“Get out,” he said. “I don’t want you anymore.”

Poor Ama tried to reason with him, but he said if she didn’t leave instantly, he would cut her throat.

So what’s a girl to do? She grabbed a cloth and made her way back to her parents’ house. Ama later discovered that Kofi had met someone else and didn’t want her presence to interfere with his new relationship. A few weeks later, Kofi showed up at her door, saying he was sorry, and would she please come back. The shouting that ensued summoned her brothers and they chased Kofi away with insults and promises to kill him if he ever showed up back their house.

After hearing the story, I thought back to my worst break-up, which happened when I was about 16. The chap went back to New York after two years of dating without so much of a good-bye, or even letting me know he was leaving in the first place. Suddenly, I was very grateful to Earl Myers. Somehow, a broken heart does not compare to a potentially slit throat.

Researching women's desires and sexuality

I want to thank one of the readers of this blog for drawing my attention to an article on the NYTimes.com website by Daniel Bergner “What do Women Want? – Discovering What Ignites Female Desire”.

This article features various pieces of research being carried out into women’s sexuality. As is sometimes the case with research the “evidence” and conclusions reached by the various scientists are often contradictory. I will summarise my understanding of the key findings from this article:

Meredith Chivers is a professor at Queen’s university in Kingston, Ontario. Her research involved volunteers being connected to plethysmographs – for men this is a device that fits over the penis and measures swelling and for women it is a small plastic probe that is fitted into the vagina and measures genital blood flow. Chivers showed a short movie to women and men (homosexual and heterosexual) of bonobos (a species of ape) mating and short clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiselled man walking naked on the beach and a naked woman doing calisthenics. Volunteers also rated their level of arousal on a keypad.

Chivers found that makes who identified themselves as straight responded “genitally” in “category specific” ways. Men who identified themselves as straight swelled when looking at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. Gay men were aroused by the opposite categorical pattern.

The results were different for women. No matter what their self declared sexual orientation was women showed a “strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men”. With the women readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad did not tally.

My understanding of this (I may be totally wrong of course) is that women’s sexuality is more diverse than that of men. The other conclusion one can draw is that women are reluctant to accept/admit what turns them on...

I found the research by Barry Komisaruk a neuroscientist at Rutgers University very interesting. There I was thinking there were two types of orgasms – vaginal and clitoral (referred to in a previous post) and he has indentified four!!!

An orgasm attained by touching the clitoris
An orgasm attained by stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina (aka the G spot)
An orgasm attained by stimulating the cervix
An orgasm attained by thinking (Yes, thinking!!!)

Komisaruk in 1992 collaborated with Rutgers sexologist Beverley Whipple (who is credited with establishing the existence of the G spot) in a study which proved that some rare women can think themselves to climax! I am definitely jealous of this ability.

Lisa Diamond, sexologist and associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah also has some interesting theories on women’s desires. Diamond’s research has led her to conclude that “female desire may be dictated...by intimacy, by emotional connection.”

Diamond’s study tracked 1000 young women who at the start of her work defined themselves as lesbian, bisexual or refused a label. Her research indicated women making many shifts in their sexual identities. Diamond’s argument is that for her

“...participants, and quite possibly for women on the whole, desire is malleable, that it cannot be captured by asking women to categorize their attractions at any single point, that to do so is to apply a male paradigm of more fixed sexual orientation.”

So with women who identified themselves as lesbians for example, only one-third reported being solely attracted to women as the research unfolded. The remaining two thirds also felt a genuine desire for men.

So what are your thoughts on these various pieces of research? What does your own experience tell you?

Nana Darkoa

Let’s talk about love: well, love making

Love making, sex, shagging, intercourse, fu*king, boning … do they describe the same act? I would argue not.

For me making love depicts an act of tenderness. I imagine candles, soft music, clean sheets, massage oils and an outpouring of emotion. With making love you have got to be in love with the person you are having ‘sex’ with.

Having sex on the other hand does not need to involve the emotion of love. Sex needs physical attraction, chemistry and lust. The candles, soft music, clean sheets, and massage oil become part of a rationally thought out process … it helps to get you into the mood.

What’s your preference and why? Love making or sex?

Nana Darkoa

P.S: This blog is submitted as part of my contribution to Ghana Blogging's universal posting day. I have really struggled to write this. I really do not have much to say about love. Now if the topic was 'Let's talk about sex', I would have been truly inspired:)

Sex tips for women who sleep with women or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.

It’s official. The results from our first poll are out and those who voted want us to blog on:

1. More sex tips and techniques
2. A good sexual encounter
3. Diverse sexualities
4. Some facts/research on sex

Thank you to all those who took time to vote, we shall aim to please.

Fairly recently one of our readers asked if any of us have ever “experimented” with women and requested for a post on “Sex tips for women who sleep with women” or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.

There are some “issues” that I only realised were “issues” when I went abroad to study...racism and lesbianism being two such examples. In Secondary School I had no concept of “lesbianism” although I kissed girls in school...In my school we called our girlfriends “dears”. You usually had a senior who was your dear and someone in your own year who was also your dear. In my experience, when it came to relationships with your senior “dear”, you didn’t have much of a choice. I remember one such senior writing on a blank sheet of paper, “Will you be my dear?” There were two boxes and I had to tick Yes or No. Trust me when I say you did not easily say No to ANY Senior so I did what I thought was the smart thing and put a tick somewhere between the Yes and No box. I never had a sexual relationship with any of my senior “dears” but I definitely had relationships with my peers.

In hindsight much of these relationships were rather gauche...I don’t remember ever achieving an orgasm (this is probably very limited thinking. Does every sexual encounter have to end in an orgasm?). I remember Girl A and I hanging a sheet over our bunk bed and kissing in the dark after lights out. I remember Girl B and I meeting in the extremely disgusting bathroom and rubbing against each other. I also remember Girl C and I fingering each other. (As an aside, I hate the word “finger”, it sounds so crass. Any good alternatives?) When I left my single sex school my experiences with girls ended.

Personally I am always slightly suspicious when people (especially Ghanaians who went to single sex schools) express strong anti gay opinions. I doubt if my experiences of boarding school were radically different from the experiences of my compatriots. Fast forward a few years and I realise that it is considered quite scandalous to have sex with women (I am thinking of Ghanaian society in particular but not exclusively). I agree with theorist Simone de Beauvoir when she says:

“...homosexuality...is an attitude chosen in a certain situation – that is, at once motivated and freely adopted. No one of the factors that mark the subject in connection with this choice – physiological conditions, psychological history, social circumstances – is the determining element, though they all contribute to its explanation. It is one way, among others, in which woman solves the problem posed by her condition in general, by her erotic situation in particular.” (de Beauvoir 1997: 444)

In other words you become lesbian/gay/homosexual because you make that choice. I am fully aware that a lot of lesbian/gay/homosexual people believe that is inaccurate but personally I come from the social constructivism school of thought. I just find social constructivism more liberating than biological determinism.

So back to me and sex with women or a lack of after boarding school. I think I ended up in sexual relationships with men because that is what is predominantly presented as the norm. I am also (and I know this will come as a suprise to some of you) fairly passive when it comes to picking a sexual partner so I tend not to go "chasing" after partners . I prefer to have someone "pursue" me so I have the luxury of saying "Yes I like you", or "sorry I am not interested". I know, that is not very liberated but for me it makes life so much easier. I have never been chased by a woman (at least not in a fashion that I recognise as the traditional sexual pursuit dance) but I have been chased by men so that is the sex I have said “Yes” to, at least so far...

How about you? Have you ever had same sex sexual encounters/relationships? Would you ever ? I think it was Alice Walker who said "Oranges are not the only fruit"?.

Nana Darkoa

How did you become so bold in writing about sex?

A reader of this blog asked me 'So, how did you get so confident?'. I guess what she really meant was, how did you become so bold in writing about sex? The fact is, I don't think it's confidence that has led to me writing about sexuality. I think my motivation is a continuation of my politics as a feminist. I think women have the RIGHT to have great sex and I think a lack of knowledge prevents a lot of us from having great sex.

There is also a lot of silence about sex (I have to point out that I am speaking from my personal standpoint). My sex education as a child was primarily from watching Obraa or Osofo Dadzie (popular Ghanaian TV when I was growing up). Inevitably a teenage girl will fall pregnant, have to drop out of school and that would be it for her. She was not going to be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher... she was going to be a teenage mother. The unspoken message was that her life was over. All as a result of having sex. The boy on the other hand could continue his education...and could still be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher...

At this juncture in the programme my Mum would screech 'Have you seen, have you seen, hmmm, if you become pregnant you will stay at home and the boy will go to school'. The fear of becoming pregnant, being unable to continue my education and the stigma associated with being a girl who sleeps around kept me a virgin for a long time...there was nothing in my sex education about contraceptives, masturbation or pleasurable sex.

How did I learn about sex? Primarily from books, articles in magazines and eventually when I started having sex from trial and error. I still think I have a lot to learn about sex so I plan to continue reading and experimenting. I also hope women share really useful knowledge they hold about their own bodies and sexualities such as 'Do you have vaginal orgasms?' or 'Clitoral orgasms?'. Does one feel better than the other? Do you have a guaranteed way of achieving your orgasm(s)

What are your thoughts?

Does size matter?

Hmmm, does penis size matter? That’s the question one of the ‘commenters’ on this blog wants us to answer. Before I can really answer this question I need to think of some of the different penises I have been involved with in the past and compare and contrast ‘performance’ with size.

The first penis that comes to mind belongs to Juan. Juan is Cuban, a hot salsa dancer and has the biggest dick I have ever seen in my life. I am not joking or exaggerating when I say the length was a good 12 inches and the girth about 9 inches. I tell you the first time I saw that ‘monster’ I wanted to run. I though shit, what the f*ck have I let myself in for. However, we were past the point of no return, I couldn’t very well turn around say ‘Sorry, I have changed my mind because you have a monster of a dick’. To my eternal surprise, sex with Juan wasn’t torturous. In fact, it was the opposite. Before proceeding to ‘main play’ Juan would go down on me and not come up for air until I had come three times! Somehow ‘main play’ afterwards was just fine.

Now I would like to compare Juan with Bola, a Nigerian brethren. Before I met Juan I thought Bola had a huge penis...sex with him was sometimes uncomfortable depending on the position we were in. Sometimes I would be like ‘Ow, ow,ow...’ Bola is one of those brothers who liked to perform sexual acrobatics in bed. I would barely get comfortable in one position and then he would want to flip me into a different position. I really liked Bola as a person but when it came to sex he didn’t really rock my world. My conclusion was that he was a selfish lover who cared more for his orgasm than he did for mine.

In my humble opinion the vast majority of brothers are very much average sized when it comes to penis size. What makes the difference to me is the effort the guy puts into pleasuring me. If he puts ‘his back into it’, then the size of the penis makes little difference to me. If I have to choose I will pick Mr Average over Mr Small or Mr Big. How about you? Does size matter to you? Guys, do you feel paranoid about the size of your penis? Has a woman ever complained or given you cause for concern about the size of your penis?

Nana Darkoa