Double standards around sexualities?

Are there double standards around men and women's sexualities? How true is this in Ghana and Africa? Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? How does society respond when a man cheats? How is this response different when a woman cheats? Just a few of the questions I have posed on my fellow blogger's Ms Cleland's site at http://maameous.blogspot.com/

Let me know your thoughts

Good Girls don't have sex if...

Good girls don’t have sex if they want to get married or have a relationship. I think Emz who commented on the previous post hit the nail on the head when she said, that’s “the African Woman’s Conundrum”. I think it’s even more of a conundrum because most women intellectually know that having sex does not equate badness yet through personal experience some women have had to make the decision that if what they want is a relationship or marriage then they cannot sleep with this attractive, good looking man even if he is the one they want the relationship/marriage with. In fact, especially if he is that man.

Recently I was having dinner with a group of girlfriends (I have realised that a lot of my posts are inspired by conversations with women) and as usual the conversation turned to men and relationships. (Can I go off track here? I seriously think women spend TOO much time talking and thinking about men. It’s ridiculous. I am convinced men do not spend one-tenth of the time we spend talking about them, talking about us). Personally I had hoped that for women in their thirties this issue of “not giving it up” would no longer be an issue. I had hoped that women could decide to have safe, consensual sex with whomever they want to have sex with without waiting for a set period (in order to pass the goodness test). I had hoped that men no longer judged women by how long they took to “give it up”. Even that phrase “giving it up” is highly problematic. If sex which should be a consensual act between two individuals is often thought of as an act which one gives up and the other takes then that is where the problem starts.

Back to this dinner with my girls; over the starters and main course we updated one another on our lives and by default on our relationships/lack of relationships/complicated relationships and I found to my growing surprise that by the time dinner ended three of my girlfriends had decided not to have sex until...One girlfriend decided to abstain for a year and another joined her in solidarity. The third girl stated (I later found out that I had misquoted her slightly on the previous post – but the meaning is the same), “Why would you want to pay for the cow when you are getting the milk for free”. Oh and by the way there were only four girls at the dinner table.

Now even though I was the only girl/woman who did not sign up to not having sex until...I can understand where my sisters were coming from. My conversation with this particular group of girls is an echo of other conversations I have had, experiences I have heard about and books I have read. Experience appears to have taught a significant amount of women that if you want to be in a relationship then you better not give up the pussy too soon because the man would either:

1. Bounce because sex wasn’t that great or
2. Want to continue having sex with you but not want to formalise the relationship.
   

Darian in a comment on the previous post spoke about the inherent hypocrisy in these double standards. These rules of sex = bad girl only apply to women. The reason for this is summed up in the word oft quoted by feminists, “patriarchy”.

I for one do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is narrow minded enough to judge me based on whether I have sex with that individual within 24 hours or 365 days.

Your thoughts?

Nana Darkoa

P.S: Nana Yaw, I have heard about re-virginisation through Marie Claire and other publications but do not have a great deal to say on the subject in this particular post. Sorry.

How did you become so bold in writing about sex?

A reader of this blog asked me 'So, how did you get so confident?'. I guess what she really meant was, how did you become so bold in writing about sex? The fact is, I don't think it's confidence that has led to me writing about sexuality. I think my motivation is a continuation of my politics as a feminist. I think women have the RIGHT to have great sex and I think a lack of knowledge prevents a lot of us from having great sex.

There is also a lot of silence about sex (I have to point out that I am speaking from my personal standpoint). My sex education as a child was primarily from watching Obraa or Osofo Dadzie (popular Ghanaian TV when I was growing up). Inevitably a teenage girl will fall pregnant, have to drop out of school and that would be it for her. She was not going to be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher... she was going to be a teenage mother. The unspoken message was that her life was over. All as a result of having sex. The boy on the other hand could continue his education...and could still be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher...

At this juncture in the programme my Mum would screech 'Have you seen, have you seen, hmmm, if you become pregnant you will stay at home and the boy will go to school'. The fear of becoming pregnant, being unable to continue my education and the stigma associated with being a girl who sleeps around kept me a virgin for a long time...there was nothing in my sex education about contraceptives, masturbation or pleasurable sex.

How did I learn about sex? Primarily from books, articles in magazines and eventually when I started having sex from trial and error. I still think I have a lot to learn about sex so I plan to continue reading and experimenting. I also hope women share really useful knowledge they hold about their own bodies and sexualities such as 'Do you have vaginal orgasms?' or 'Clitoral orgasms?'. Does one feel better than the other? Do you have a guaranteed way of achieving your orgasm(s)

What are your thoughts?

Sex tips for women who sleep with men...

I guess it is only fair after writing ‘Sex tips for men who sleep with women...’ that I follow it up with ‘Sex tips for women who sleep with men...’

In my previous post I said that the very way most of us have sex is more likely to result in pleasure for the male body rather than the female body. So, it stands to reason that if women want to have better sex then they need to take more control over the sex act(s). Ladies, I don’t know about you, but when I take control in bed I am always guaranteed a great time. After all, you know best what your body wants and needs. Right?

So here are my top tips for the ladies (as usual based on my personal preferences). Feel free to let me know what works for you:

1. Get to know your body intimately. Find out what turns you on. It’s okay to touch yourself. How else are you going to show him how to touch you?

2. Think about sex way before you know you are going to have sex. Thinking about good sex gets your mind ready. Your body will soon follow.

3. Let go of all hang ups. Be bold and tell your partner what you want him to do to you. He will appreciate the guidance.

4. Don’t forget the clitoris only exists to solely provide you with pleasure. Try and ensure your clitoris is stimulated during sex. That reminds me, has anyone figured out the clitoral alignment technique? I don’t think I have ever managed to suss that one out properly. It's just ended up being me on top, which is cool too...

5. Don’t be scared to get down and dirty. I think good sex is always a bit nasty...

6. Never, ever, fake an orgasm. It is totally counter- productive. I think it is also detrimental to your fellow sisters. The man in question might over estimate his abilities to please the ladies and consequently never improve.

7. Do give honest feedback as you go along. ‘That feels good’, ‘Mmmm’. ‘Right there’...

8. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with.

9. Tell your partner what pleases you in bed.

10. Experiment within the boundaries of your comfort zone or maybe a tad out of your comfort zone. This really depends on how adventurous you are.

I could go on and on so I won’t. I am really interested to find out ‘What do you know now about sex that you wish you had known earlier’. ‘Bearing in mind that a lot of women have difficulty reaching orgasm, do you have a failsafe method that works?’ ‘What are your top tips for women who have sex with men?’

Nana Darkoa

Sex Tips for Men who sleep with Women...

This blog has been inspired by Kwaku who wanted a few tips for men as ‘women are so complicated’. I always get baffled when men say women are complicated. Two almost contradictory thoughts tend to pop into my mind.

1. Women are really not that complicated.
2. Actually it’s a good thing to be ‘complex’. Being ‘complex’ implies you are interesting, that there is more to you than meets the eye, that your thoughts are not just one dimensional but multi-dimensional, layered and multi-faceted...

So what would you rather be?

Hmmm, where do I start when it comes to giving sex tips to men who have sex with women? I guess it is always a good idea to start with the personal so I shall share what has worked best for me and what I know to be true...

I mentioned in my previous post that apparently 70% of women have never had orgasms. I think this is because the way ‘we’ have sex is generally done in a manner which gives more pleasure to the male body rather than the female body. Let’s take the concept of foreplay for example. The whole idea of foreplay for me is problematic. Foreplay implies that there is a main act to follow whereas for a lot of women foreplay is the main play. The main act, if we think of it as ‘in out, in out’ is not always pleasurable for women especially if the clitoris is not being stimulated during the sexual act. Sex also tends to end when the man orgasms...

Now let’s flip the script. What if in the act of sex there is no foreplay or mainplay which ends with male ejaculation? What if sex is a series of pleasurable sensations which involve all our senses of touch, taste, smell? What if sex only ends when both parties have come? Maybe once, twice, thrice...

Here are my top tips for men - based on my personal preferences, all women are different :)

1. I like to be touched all over. Please do not just head to the obvious spots...the breasts and clitorises are not the only erogenous zones.

2. Don’t rush through foreplay. Foreplay is the main play.

3. Let’s flip the script from time to time. Sex can get boring when we do the same routine day in, day out.

4. Surprise me with a new trick that you have read about. Women are forever reading about '10 ways to please your men in bed’ as featured in Cosmo or some other women’s magazine. I don’t see why men cannot read about what pleases women and practice.

5. Get acquainted with sex toys. They can add spice to your sex life.

6. Send me an erotic text to let me know you are thinking about me...it gets me ready even before we hook up.

7. Go down on me only if you want to. If you cannot do something with gusto please do not even try.

A final fail safe tip which should (hopefully) work for all women.

8. Ask me what I want from my partner in bed, or out of the bedroom for that matter...

Are these tips helpful gentlemen? Ladies, what are your thoughts? What are your top tips for men?

Nana Darkoa

Adventures from the bedrooms of African Women: An Introduction

I hope you are intrigued by the name of our spanking new blog, 'Adventures from the bedroom of African women'. I am too, even though I am a co-author for this blog.

So what is this blog about? This blog is simply about the diverse sexualities of African women. I have found myself becoming interestingly interested in women's sexuality the older I have got. (I am all of 31 years old in case you are wondering) I am interested in knowing what brings women pleasure, how women negotiate pleasureable sex with their partners, why women put up with 'bad sex'.

I have had conversations with friends who have 'confessed' to faking orgasms in order to be over and done with sex. I always thought 'Surely that is counter productive. How do you then get to the stage where you start to have open dialogue with your partner about what pleases you?'. In the same vein I have had the most open conversations with female friends about sex and sexuality. On a recent beach holiday I found myself skinny dipping with 3 other friends chatting about sex...

So why the focus on African women's sexuality? I think there is a huge gap of knowledge about the sexuality of African women. There is probably a huge gap on women's sexuality in general. Apart from the oft sited Shere Hite Report on Sexuality nothing much springs to mind. So the question remains 'How do you learn about sex?'. The Ghanaian blogger Esi Cleland, http://maameous.blogspot.com/ posed this question some time ago. In the context of 'traditional culture' where sex is often not discussed except to say 'Good girls don't do that' or ' Don't have sex until you're married' when and where do you learn about sex?

This blog hopes to answer some of the questions raised above. I am hoping our readers will be active contributors to this blog. I think as women we need to empower ourselves sexually, learn about our own sexualities and what brings us pleasure. We need to be able to negotiate safe and enjoyable sex. I get so distressed when I read of statistics like '70 % of women have never had an orgasm'. I almost feel like that is a crime. Well, we need to learn from the other 30% what they do, and how they do it. I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with you all and I hope you will reciprocate generously.

Nana Darkoa