The Reluctant Celibate

I am no fan of abstinence although I completely understand the reasons why so many of my sisters (yes I am excluding the brothers) strive to abstain from sex. I have heard the arguments in favour of abstinence and I think they are all entirely valid except when it comes to yours truly. A male friend once told me about the value of abstinence and I so got him. Yes, you take time to know the girl, your relationship is not clouded by sex, by the time you have sex it doesn’t matter what your penis size is...all very valid arguments. From the perspective of my women friend it’s usually about the milk and cow theory (thank you NY). From the perspective of both men and women striving to abstain from sex it is usually about their faith.

So if I am buying none of the above reasons why have I found myself a very reluctant celibate? Oh there is a multiplicity of reasons. I found out that my buddy was cheating on me with multiple women. (Is it possible for a buddy to cheat on you? Does the very nature of the buddy relationship mean that you have no right to expect exclusive rights to your buddy’s body?) Virtually all the guys I find myself attracted to are already in relationships and I really do not fancy being a bit on the side? I do not meet guys I fancy (unless they fall into the “already taken” bracket). I am not interested in being bought hence no interest in the milk and cow rationale. I could go on and on...

What’s a girl to do when she is a reluctant celibate?

Guest Contributor Ms A on Celibacy, Temptation and Sex

It's been four months, one week and two days. I've been craving, having vivid dreams, praying, begging God to make the months move a little faster. God, has it only been four months, one week and two days?

It's been four months, one week and two days. I can't believe that I've done it. It's been four months one week and two days, I can't believe I'm still doing it. I feel a sense of achievement, blended with a sense of loss and grief. Simple, senseless, self torture. It's been four months, one week and two days since I last had sex or more accurately since my husband left me and I decided to abstain from sex. (Come to think of it, I haven't had it for more than four months , but you never really make a mental note of the last time you bedded your husband when your whole world is crumbling around your ears.)

Now for some people, not having sex may not seem like a big deal. But for me, a person who's enjoyed it and has been a willing, proactive participant for more than fifteen years this is a huge deal. For years, I depended on sex like an alcoholic depends on his daily poison of choice. Without sex, I'd get depressed, irritable and downright unpleasant to be with. My husband and I at our peak had sex every single day for years. At our worst, once every two weeks. Sex is a big deal.

So why put myself through this? I wanted clarity. I wanted to fix my head and my heart by denying my body. Above all, I wanted to be a better Christian; learn to focus on other things. Enjoy pure, wholesome relationships. Yep, I was turning over a new chapter in my life. My husband had consumed me for thirteen years of my young life. Sex had consumed us even more so. What better way to move on than to turn my back on the very things that had become a crutch. Oh yes, freedom and new beginnings...

Then walks in Temptation. Minding my own business on a night out with the girls, a guy spots me. I ignore him. He walks over. I ignore him. He talks. I ignore him. He really talks and smiles. Oh that smile. I pretend to ignore him. We kiss. I can't ignore him.

I've vowed to stay celibate for one year. That's twelve months, 365 days and google tells me a total of 8766 whole hours! I've abstained for four months, one week and two days. I have seven months, three weeks and five days remaining.

But Temptation is here now and he's dressed so smartly, and smells so delicious. And that smile, oh that smile...

Abstinence in a sex obsessed world?

A post on abstinence on a blog that seeks to provide a space for African women to share tips, experiences and more... Well, why not? When I read the request to write a post on abstinence I had to laugh. I laughed because I haven’t ever made a conscious decision to practice abstinence and frankly I do not want to be celibate. I have had conversations with one of my friends on the subject of abstinence several times but I don’t really feel like celibacy is for me.

I suspect that there are a variety of reasons why people practice abstinence. One of my girlfriends is celibate at the moment because her last relationship ended a few months ago. In a conversation with another girl a couple of months ago she mentioned to me that she has been celibate since her last relationship broke up – her reason was to develop a closer spiritual relationship with God so it was out with everything sexual – no kissing, vibrators, nothing.


According to my dear friend Abena (and fellow collaborator on this blog) the only thing worse than no sex is bad sex...

I am very curious about abstinence though and because I do not have a great deal of knowledge or insight on the subject I am going to pose a series of questions aimed at people who practice celibacy or abstain from sex. I hope you can provide some answers to so we can learn more together:

• What do you do when you feel horny?
• How long have you been celibate for?
• How do you experience your sexuality?
• Have you had sex before?
• What are you looking forward to the most when you next have sex?
• Do you know anyone who is celibate?
• Is it better to abstain from sex than to have bad sex?
  
  Nana Darkoa