How did you become so bold in writing about sex?

A reader of this blog asked me 'So, how did you get so confident?'. I guess what she really meant was, how did you become so bold in writing about sex? The fact is, I don't think it's confidence that has led to me writing about sexuality. I think my motivation is a continuation of my politics as a feminist. I think women have the RIGHT to have great sex and I think a lack of knowledge prevents a lot of us from having great sex.

There is also a lot of silence about sex (I have to point out that I am speaking from my personal standpoint). My sex education as a child was primarily from watching Obraa or Osofo Dadzie (popular Ghanaian TV when I was growing up). Inevitably a teenage girl will fall pregnant, have to drop out of school and that would be it for her. She was not going to be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher... she was going to be a teenage mother. The unspoken message was that her life was over. All as a result of having sex. The boy on the other hand could continue his education...and could still be a successful doctor, lawyer, teacher...

At this juncture in the programme my Mum would screech 'Have you seen, have you seen, hmmm, if you become pregnant you will stay at home and the boy will go to school'. The fear of becoming pregnant, being unable to continue my education and the stigma associated with being a girl who sleeps around kept me a virgin for a long time...there was nothing in my sex education about contraceptives, masturbation or pleasurable sex.

How did I learn about sex? Primarily from books, articles in magazines and eventually when I started having sex from trial and error. I still think I have a lot to learn about sex so I plan to continue reading and experimenting. I also hope women share really useful knowledge they hold about their own bodies and sexualities such as 'Do you have vaginal orgasms?' or 'Clitoral orgasms?'. Does one feel better than the other? Do you have a guaranteed way of achieving your orgasm(s)

What are your thoughts?

Does size matter?

Hmmm, does penis size matter? That’s the question one of the ‘commenters’ on this blog wants us to answer. Before I can really answer this question I need to think of some of the different penises I have been involved with in the past and compare and contrast ‘performance’ with size.

The first penis that comes to mind belongs to Juan. Juan is Cuban, a hot salsa dancer and has the biggest dick I have ever seen in my life. I am not joking or exaggerating when I say the length was a good 12 inches and the girth about 9 inches. I tell you the first time I saw that ‘monster’ I wanted to run. I though shit, what the f*ck have I let myself in for. However, we were past the point of no return, I couldn’t very well turn around say ‘Sorry, I have changed my mind because you have a monster of a dick’. To my eternal surprise, sex with Juan wasn’t torturous. In fact, it was the opposite. Before proceeding to ‘main play’ Juan would go down on me and not come up for air until I had come three times! Somehow ‘main play’ afterwards was just fine.

Now I would like to compare Juan with Bola, a Nigerian brethren. Before I met Juan I thought Bola had a huge penis...sex with him was sometimes uncomfortable depending on the position we were in. Sometimes I would be like ‘Ow, ow,ow...’ Bola is one of those brothers who liked to perform sexual acrobatics in bed. I would barely get comfortable in one position and then he would want to flip me into a different position. I really liked Bola as a person but when it came to sex he didn’t really rock my world. My conclusion was that he was a selfish lover who cared more for his orgasm than he did for mine.

In my humble opinion the vast majority of brothers are very much average sized when it comes to penis size. What makes the difference to me is the effort the guy puts into pleasuring me. If he puts ‘his back into it’, then the size of the penis makes little difference to me. If I have to choose I will pick Mr Average over Mr Small or Mr Big. How about you? Does size matter to you? Guys, do you feel paranoid about the size of your penis? Has a woman ever complained or given you cause for concern about the size of your penis?

Nana Darkoa

Aww…Is that your dick? It’s so cute!!

We decided that since neither of us had encountered every penis on the planet (and who would want to?) it might be a good idea to do susu with our experiences and put them in one pot for all to share. Dicks are a lot like men: There are short ones, long ones, big ones small ones, uncircumcised ones, half circumcised ones…dicks that inspire “ahh’s!!” and some that elicit an unimpressed “oh.”

You get the drift.

I’ll share my experience from the other side of the size coin: My encounter with a small dick. I guess I should be clear with what I consider “small”, and for that matter, so should every other woman. Anything under 8-9 inches long is “small” to me. 8-9 inches is average. 9-10 is extraordinary. To be fair, the average size penis (depending on the continent, I believe) is about 6 inches long, but since the majority of men I’ve slept with are ‘long and strong, swinging past your knees’, I personally consider 6 inches to be under the bar.

So you can imagine my surprise when I stood naked face to face with this mountain of a man (I love big men) who had the tiniest dick I’d ever seen. It was so little it looked like a vagina. After weeks of built up anticipation, I let out a deep sigh and prepared myself for sex. Not a wild, passionate encounter; just a quick “get on, get it, get out.” I looked into his eyes and realized be probably felt very badly about being so small, so I gave him a sympathy kiss and we got to work.

Ladies, he was magic in bed. He made love to me ever so delicately, caressing my nipples, kissing my belly button, touching me every where. Unlike a lot of my compadres, I don’t like to be gone down on in the first encounter. I think that’s something to be shared with someone I know really well and am close to, so that’s a pleasure I prefer to delay till later. Tiny I understood that, I think.

When I signaled I was ready for him to do his thing, I gasped in surprise.

“Am I hurting you?” he asked.

Ha! No, not on your best day.

I shook my head “no”.

To my surprise, he had grown a whole 6 inches! It was like a weird botanical plant. Just add water and watch it grow. With this new presentation, I was willing to be more participatory and it was really, really great sex. Really.

A few years later, I read somewhere that a woman’s vaginal core only senses pleasure in the first 3 inches. Anything after that is pain. I guess I had my conceptions on size all wrong!

Share and Share Alike

Since we’re getting all cozy on this blog, I have a wonderful Adventure to share with you. Prepare yourselves ladies (and gents) to be regaled by the tale of “My Voyage on a Man I will only Refer to as KS.”

I met KS in 2003 while on holiday in Ghana. Christmas in Ghana is itself a seductive time of year…I’m sure Christ or the Church never meant for it to be described as such. Everyone one “comes down” from abrochi with their new purchased clothes and electronic gadgets, the folks back home are happy to see you, and Accra has a general gaiety that is somewhat absent during the rest of the year. Anyone you can think of is having a bar-b-que, lunch or get together, and it was at of these social gatherings that I met KS.

By anyone’s standards he was tall; about 6’2”. His skin was a deep rich black, with an almost blue undertone, and dark eyes to match. He was a mountain of dark chocolaty goodness with a bald head like a Pebble to match. Did anyone eat Pebbles in primary school? Remember how you would suck the outer shell to get to the chocolate and peanut center? That’s what I’m talking about…but I digress.

KS and I hit it off immediately. I am by nature a loud and admittedly obnoxious woman. He had insane ideas about how the world worked and his unconventional (by Ghanaian standards) view amused me. Anyone around him could tell he was trying to be deep. It was endearing.

Fast forward through lunches and group trips to Ada. KS and I had friends in similar circles so we met up often. One day, we found ourselves alone at restaurant. The circumstances and details escape me, and are quite unimportant.

“Want to go back to my place?” he asked.

Would I ever!

He dabbled in art and wanted to show me some of his pictures.

Right.

When we entered his home, there were pictures everywhere. Photographs. He showed them to me in earnest. A picture of his grandfather, great grandfather, local foliage, and some oil painting he had done. Big, black, beautiful and artistic? I’d struck gold.

“Let’s go to my room,” he said.

“That’s a bit forward and presumptive, don’t you think,” I said coyly.

He laughed.

“I have more pictures there,” he said simply.

After days spent talking about everything under the sun, we still had plenty to talk about. It appeared as though we were never going to have sex, so I relaxed and bent down to take off my shoes so I could sit more comfortably on the bed so we could talk more. Fine with me.

“I love your waist beads,” he said.

Huh?

“Your waist beads. I got a glimpse of them at lunch when you got up. I’ve been fanaticizing about them all day,” he explained.

It was good to know he wasn’t looking at my crack! It had become apparent that KS was going to go the gentleman route and take things slow. But I only had 4 days left to spend in Ghana.

“Would you like to see them?” I asked. I had already started undressing. This seemed to amuse him.

We both washed up quickly and met back in his bedroom. When I stepped out of the shower he was only wearing a smile.

“Don’t move,” he said. “Look at that...”

Look at what??

“You’re beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.”

He guided me to the bed and placed his hand on the back of my neck, kissing it slowly and deliberately. He other hand explored every part of my body: breast, belly, elbows…as though he was trying to memorize every angle. He kissed me deeply, and was he a great kisser! *This is where guys should listen up. Please do NOT slobber allover a woman’s face when you are kissing. It’s really disgusting. I’m sure we’ll talk about what constitutes a good kiss along the way on this blog.

I returned the favor of physical stimulation by asking him to turn his back away from me so I could get behind him. I placed my breasts against his back and just listened him breathe for me minute. Then I rubbed his shoulders, his massive biceps, his exquisite thighs…all the while kissing him from behind. I took the opportunity to rub on his head (the other one) to see what I was working with. Let’s just say his tool kit was quite impressive. But I’d slept with enough men to know that size rarely matters, so I was curious to see how he used his equipment.

After we’d had enough foreplay, he flipped me over and kissed me again before reaching for a condom. *Note to guys. PLEASE use protection at all times during sex. One thing that helps a woman to climax is to be at ease mentally. You’d be surprised how fast into the future we can look, and the prospect of getting pregnant or worst, catching some icky disease can shut a woman down mentally. I’ve found that men can be incredibly short sighted in that way. I braced myself for pain, but he was extremely gentle. He knew he was a big guy. Everything about him was big, including his heart. He wanted me to enjoy this time. After he was firmly in, he lifted my hips, inviting me or somehow instructing me to participate. The non-verbal cue was fine with me. I had initiated the sex and said it was ‘okay’, but now that we were in bed, I wanted him to take charge.

I’ll spare the details of how I rode him like a camel jockey until we both climaxed and leave you with some information that I feel is more important:

1. The sex was great because KS seduced me completely. He stimulated my mind with riveting conversation and shared something very personal with me – his art.
2. He never rushed into intercourse.
3. He smelled awesome. Gents, it’s well worth any amount of money to invest in a good cologne when you’re going to be intimate with a woman (or a man, whatever floats your boat). Few things are more detracting than the smell of key soap and sweat.
4. He made sure I was comfortable and that we were both protected.
5. Finally, sincere compliments are key. Be more expansive in your vocabulary. Don’t just say things like “Ei!! Your breasts are big oh!”
   I know how big my DDs are. I see them everyday.

Sex tips for women who sleep with men...

I guess it is only fair after writing ‘Sex tips for men who sleep with women...’ that I follow it up with ‘Sex tips for women who sleep with men...’

In my previous post I said that the very way most of us have sex is more likely to result in pleasure for the male body rather than the female body. So, it stands to reason that if women want to have better sex then they need to take more control over the sex act(s). Ladies, I don’t know about you, but when I take control in bed I am always guaranteed a great time. After all, you know best what your body wants and needs. Right?

So here are my top tips for the ladies (as usual based on my personal preferences). Feel free to let me know what works for you:

1. Get to know your body intimately. Find out what turns you on. It’s okay to touch yourself. How else are you going to show him how to touch you?

2. Think about sex way before you know you are going to have sex. Thinking about good sex gets your mind ready. Your body will soon follow.

3. Let go of all hang ups. Be bold and tell your partner what you want him to do to you. He will appreciate the guidance.

4. Don’t forget the clitoris only exists to solely provide you with pleasure. Try and ensure your clitoris is stimulated during sex. That reminds me, has anyone figured out the clitoral alignment technique? I don’t think I have ever managed to suss that one out properly. It's just ended up being me on top, which is cool too...

5. Don’t be scared to get down and dirty. I think good sex is always a bit nasty...

6. Never, ever, fake an orgasm. It is totally counter- productive. I think it is also detrimental to your fellow sisters. The man in question might over estimate his abilities to please the ladies and consequently never improve.

7. Do give honest feedback as you go along. ‘That feels good’, ‘Mmmm’. ‘Right there’...

8. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with.

9. Tell your partner what pleases you in bed.

10. Experiment within the boundaries of your comfort zone or maybe a tad out of your comfort zone. This really depends on how adventurous you are.

I could go on and on so I won’t. I am really interested to find out ‘What do you know now about sex that you wish you had known earlier’. ‘Bearing in mind that a lot of women have difficulty reaching orgasm, do you have a failsafe method that works?’ ‘What are your top tips for women who have sex with men?’

Nana Darkoa

Sex Tips for Men who sleep with Women...

This blog has been inspired by Kwaku who wanted a few tips for men as ‘women are so complicated’. I always get baffled when men say women are complicated. Two almost contradictory thoughts tend to pop into my mind.

1. Women are really not that complicated.
2. Actually it’s a good thing to be ‘complex’. Being ‘complex’ implies you are interesting, that there is more to you than meets the eye, that your thoughts are not just one dimensional but multi-dimensional, layered and multi-faceted...

So what would you rather be?

Hmmm, where do I start when it comes to giving sex tips to men who have sex with women? I guess it is always a good idea to start with the personal so I shall share what has worked best for me and what I know to be true...

I mentioned in my previous post that apparently 70% of women have never had orgasms. I think this is because the way ‘we’ have sex is generally done in a manner which gives more pleasure to the male body rather than the female body. Let’s take the concept of foreplay for example. The whole idea of foreplay for me is problematic. Foreplay implies that there is a main act to follow whereas for a lot of women foreplay is the main play. The main act, if we think of it as ‘in out, in out’ is not always pleasurable for women especially if the clitoris is not being stimulated during the sexual act. Sex also tends to end when the man orgasms...

Now let’s flip the script. What if in the act of sex there is no foreplay or mainplay which ends with male ejaculation? What if sex is a series of pleasurable sensations which involve all our senses of touch, taste, smell? What if sex only ends when both parties have come? Maybe once, twice, thrice...

Here are my top tips for men - based on my personal preferences, all women are different :)

1. I like to be touched all over. Please do not just head to the obvious spots...the breasts and clitorises are not the only erogenous zones.

2. Don’t rush through foreplay. Foreplay is the main play.

3. Let’s flip the script from time to time. Sex can get boring when we do the same routine day in, day out.

4. Surprise me with a new trick that you have read about. Women are forever reading about '10 ways to please your men in bed’ as featured in Cosmo or some other women’s magazine. I don’t see why men cannot read about what pleases women and practice.

5. Get acquainted with sex toys. They can add spice to your sex life.

6. Send me an erotic text to let me know you are thinking about me...it gets me ready even before we hook up.

7. Go down on me only if you want to. If you cannot do something with gusto please do not even try.

A final fail safe tip which should (hopefully) work for all women.

8. Ask me what I want from my partner in bed, or out of the bedroom for that matter...

Are these tips helpful gentlemen? Ladies, what are your thoughts? What are your top tips for men?

Nana Darkoa

Sometimes Sex is Just a Game

My grandmother and I shared what I consider a unique relationship. Having no daughters of her own (she bore four sons), she often referred to me as “her daughter”. I was also her namesake and I’ve always considered both titles an honor.

Our relationship was unique to me because unlike so many of my friends’ grandparents, she was uncommonly open about the details of her private and personal life. I remember one conversation we had while sitting on the veranda in our house in Labone. I’d just finished my homework and was listening to the sounds of the residential area, content from a meal of boiled yam, plantain and palava sauce that she’d prepared for lunch (Grandma always cooked when she came to visit).

After discussing the niceties of how school was, who and what my friends were up to, and the customary admonishment to “choose good friends and do well in school”, she asked me if she’d ever told me about my grandfather. I’d never met him and indeed, couldn’t even recall his name, so I was obliged to listen.

“I loved him very much,” she said. “Our marriage was arranged, and he was actually my third cousin. That’s how they did things in those days.”

She took a sip of water before continuing.

“He was a forester, you know? He would often be gone for long periods of time to Kumasi, Obuasi, you name it. But when he came home, we always had a good time.”

The conversation seemed safe enough. I was still preoccupied with the notion of having an arranged marriage to a third cousin when she dropped this bombshell on me.

“You know, sometimes when we would be in bed, he would fart and pull the covers over my face so I couldn’t escape.” She chuckled. “Sex doesn’t always have to be serious, Abena. It can be very fun.”

Not knowing how to react to this information, I nodded my head.

My grandmother passed away this past November, but I’ve always kept her advice with me. Make and keep good friends, do well in school (and your career) and laugh with you partner in bed. By “partner”, I’m sure she meant “husband” but I’d be lying if I said I’d only slept with my husband since I became sexually active.

However, I can’t think of one man whom I have been intimate with who hasn’t kissed me on the cheek or held me in the afterglow and said “You are crazy!” or “You make me laugh”.

I have, however, let my grandfather have his sheets and gas game. That's just nasty.

Abena Gyekye

Adventures from the bedrooms of African Women: An Introduction

I hope you are intrigued by the name of our spanking new blog, 'Adventures from the bedroom of African women'. I am too, even though I am a co-author for this blog.

So what is this blog about? This blog is simply about the diverse sexualities of African women. I have found myself becoming interestingly interested in women's sexuality the older I have got. (I am all of 31 years old in case you are wondering) I am interested in knowing what brings women pleasure, how women negotiate pleasureable sex with their partners, why women put up with 'bad sex'.

I have had conversations with friends who have 'confessed' to faking orgasms in order to be over and done with sex. I always thought 'Surely that is counter productive. How do you then get to the stage where you start to have open dialogue with your partner about what pleases you?'. In the same vein I have had the most open conversations with female friends about sex and sexuality. On a recent beach holiday I found myself skinny dipping with 3 other friends chatting about sex...

So why the focus on African women's sexuality? I think there is a huge gap of knowledge about the sexuality of African women. There is probably a huge gap on women's sexuality in general. Apart from the oft sited Shere Hite Report on Sexuality nothing much springs to mind. So the question remains 'How do you learn about sex?'. The Ghanaian blogger Esi Cleland, http://maameous.blogspot.com/ posed this question some time ago. In the context of 'traditional culture' where sex is often not discussed except to say 'Good girls don't do that' or ' Don't have sex until you're married' when and where do you learn about sex?

This blog hopes to answer some of the questions raised above. I am hoping our readers will be active contributors to this blog. I think as women we need to empower ourselves sexually, learn about our own sexualities and what brings us pleasure. We need to be able to negotiate safe and enjoyable sex. I get so distressed when I read of statistics like '70 % of women have never had an orgasm'. I almost feel like that is a crime. Well, we need to learn from the other 30% what they do, and how they do it. I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with you all and I hope you will reciprocate generously.

Nana Darkoa