Whoopi Goldberg refers to hers as a Punany, six-year old Kate calls hers tata, Annie cheekily calls hers her va jay jay, Steve calls mine a Punkie and Dufie calls hers a pussy.
I don’t have a name for mine. Why? because I tend to only refer to it in a sexual context. Either I am telling someone to do something to it or with it...and in that instance I call it whatever they call it.
As an 18 year old College student watching the Vagina monologues, I was moved to tears. The stories of the liberated women in the vagina monologues were confrontational, reflective, challenging and beautiful. The only relationship I had with my virginal ____ (insert whatever you want to call it J ) was a tolerating one. After all, periods were no fun and as a tom boy I hated the monthly reminder that I was a girl. All women have a relationship with their vagina, and good or bad this relationship influences their attitudes towards sex, their sexuality, their self-image and even their self-esteem.
With mine, the relationship has improved greatly but the dear thing still doesn’t have a name. . Vagina is too clinical and yet none of the other words fit. They are either too derogatory, remind me too much of porn movies or are just silly *Ahem Woman flower*. What do you call yours? And how do you relate to it? Are you friends? Enemies? or flat mates?
Posted by Miss Kitty Kat
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Vagina Monologues: Ghana style
Yesterday, myself and two of my girlfriends watched a production of The Vagina Monologues at the Efua Sutherland Theatre, University of Ghana, Legon. I was keen to watch the production, especially because The Vagina Monologues was banned in Uganda. I do not know the official reason given for the ban but I do recognise that some African states prevent women from openly speaking up about their sexuality (read Vagina in the case of The Vagina Monologues) so i felt really excited that in Ghana we can openly watch The Vagina Monolgues.
One of the most interesting portions of the monologue was when the women demonstrated the various sounds they make when climaxing. There was "Oh, oh, ooh, ooooh,ooooohhhh", there was "Ah ahhhh, ahhhh, eiiiii"... there was even a machine gun sounding climax. Girlfriend A said to me "Do you think people make different sounds depending on their cultural background? For example, in some countries women do not make a sound when they are giving birth and in others they do". Now this was a question I have no answer to so I am asking you my beloved readers. Personally I tend to be fairly quiet during sex until I get really excited but I have also learnt that the moans are useful feedback for your lover. If you do not moan when you are enjoying a particular touch or act how does your lover know to continue?
What are your thoughts?
Nana Darkoa
One of the most interesting portions of the monologue was when the women demonstrated the various sounds they make when climaxing. There was "Oh, oh, ooh, ooooh,ooooohhhh", there was "Ah ahhhh, ahhhh, eiiiii"... there was even a machine gun sounding climax. Girlfriend A said to me "Do you think people make different sounds depending on their cultural background? For example, in some countries women do not make a sound when they are giving birth and in others they do". Now this was a question I have no answer to so I am asking you my beloved readers. Personally I tend to be fairly quiet during sex until I get really excited but I have also learnt that the moans are useful feedback for your lover. If you do not moan when you are enjoying a particular touch or act how does your lover know to continue?
What are your thoughts?
Nana Darkoa
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Great sex tips for people who are in Good Relationships
I am defining a “good” relationship as one in which both parties are happy and fulfilled. However being in a “good” relationship does not always guarantee a great sex life (although a great sex life might be one of your indicators for a good relationship). So here are my thoughts on how to have great sex in a relationship:
- Remember that sex is important! Sometimes sex gets left on the back burner, what with the demands of work, children (if you have them) and all the various other commitments you may have. You can even try making “nooky dates” to guarantee that you do have sex.
- Flip the script. I know I have said this before on previous posts but this is especially important in a relationship. You know what your partner likes by now so you automatically start to go down on her, for example. That can be boring if this is always your first move so do something different … give her a massage, wear a scandalous piece of lingerie, try some body paint, have sex in the car, on the beach …I’m sure you get the idea.
- Do not have penetrative sex. Yes, I know some of you may be thinking “what’s the point?” but seriously we sometimes have sex with penetration as the goal which can detract so much from all the pleasure that can be derived along the way. So tease your partner, enjoy touching, feeling, licking, sucking…but no penetration. Okay, maybe after a looooong time.
- Let your partner know when you are pissed off with them. When I am angry with my partner I cannot connect with the person physically. It just doesn’t happen. Does anyone else experience this? And I so do not like “make up sex”. I am still pissed off, what are you trying to have sex with me for?
- Do go away on a dirty weekend somewhere. For me this is idyllic. I pack all my sexy lingerie, toys and any other accessories I may need. A beach resort is great! Sex, beach and food. What more could a girl want?
- Remember you have a great body whatever size and shape you are. Besides candle light is always flattering and romantic.
- Have sex at unexpected times and in unexpected places…kind of linked to point number 2.
- Be faithful to your partner. This is so important it should have been tip number 1. Finding out that your partner has cheated on you destroys not just great sex but a good relationship. It also increases your risk to the numerous sexually transmitted diseases that are out there.
So for all those out there in relationships what can you add to this list? For the singletons, what will you put on your list if you were to write a piece on “Great sex tips for singletons”?
Nana Darkoa
Monday, February 16, 2009
Anatomy of a Break-up
An integral part of any relationship is when it comes to an end…and yes, every relationship will end. Be it a one night shag-fest or the departure of souls after a long “ ‘til death do us part”, you’ll have to say good-bye to your partner in one way or another.
The other day, I was sitting around gabbing with a friend of mine who had just returned from Ghana. As usual, she was moaning about her lack of a man, and I was consoling her with information on the problems that the very presence of a man can bring. (She had just recently been dumped via Facebook). In the midst of our conversation, she recounted a story that left me grateful to every man (or boy) who’s ever broken up with me.
A friend of her house girl, (we’ll call her ‘Ama’) had moved in with her boyfriend (and we’ll name him ‘Kofi’) after a brief courtship. The couple was in “love” and wanted to be together in what my friend called a “Ghana-style” marriage. Kofi was unemployed, and did little odds and ends to make money. Ama was a trader and they lived together in his rented room for a few months. Life together was typical of any young struggling African couple. She cooked, and washed and went off to trade her wares…and he did whatever Ghana boys with no job do day-to-day. In between that, I’m sure that had sex. (What else was the point of her moving in?)
One night, around midnight as the story goes, Ama woke up with Kofi kneeling over her, with a knife to her throat.
“Get out,” he said. “I don’t want you anymore.”
Poor Ama tried to reason with him, but he said if she didn’t leave instantly, he would cut her throat.
So what’s a girl to do? She grabbed a cloth and made her way back to her parents’ house. Ama later discovered that Kofi had met someone else and didn’t want her presence to interfere with his new relationship. A few weeks later, Kofi showed up at her door, saying he was sorry, and would she please come back. The shouting that ensued summoned her brothers and they chased Kofi away with insults and promises to kill him if he ever showed up back their house.
After hearing the story, I thought back to my worst break-up, which happened when I was about 16. The chap went back to New York after two years of dating without so much of a good-bye, or even letting me know he was leaving in the first place. Suddenly, I was very grateful to Earl Myers. Somehow, a broken heart does not compare to a potentially slit throat.
The other day, I was sitting around gabbing with a friend of mine who had just returned from Ghana. As usual, she was moaning about her lack of a man, and I was consoling her with information on the problems that the very presence of a man can bring. (She had just recently been dumped via Facebook). In the midst of our conversation, she recounted a story that left me grateful to every man (or boy) who’s ever broken up with me.
A friend of her house girl, (we’ll call her ‘Ama’) had moved in with her boyfriend (and we’ll name him ‘Kofi’) after a brief courtship. The couple was in “love” and wanted to be together in what my friend called a “Ghana-style” marriage. Kofi was unemployed, and did little odds and ends to make money. Ama was a trader and they lived together in his rented room for a few months. Life together was typical of any young struggling African couple. She cooked, and washed and went off to trade her wares…and he did whatever Ghana boys with no job do day-to-day. In between that, I’m sure that had sex. (What else was the point of her moving in?)
One night, around midnight as the story goes, Ama woke up with Kofi kneeling over her, with a knife to her throat.
“Get out,” he said. “I don’t want you anymore.”
Poor Ama tried to reason with him, but he said if she didn’t leave instantly, he would cut her throat.
So what’s a girl to do? She grabbed a cloth and made her way back to her parents’ house. Ama later discovered that Kofi had met someone else and didn’t want her presence to interfere with his new relationship. A few weeks later, Kofi showed up at her door, saying he was sorry, and would she please come back. The shouting that ensued summoned her brothers and they chased Kofi away with insults and promises to kill him if he ever showed up back their house.
After hearing the story, I thought back to my worst break-up, which happened when I was about 16. The chap went back to New York after two years of dating without so much of a good-bye, or even letting me know he was leaving in the first place. Suddenly, I was very grateful to Earl Myers. Somehow, a broken heart does not compare to a potentially slit throat.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Researching women's desires and sexuality
I want to thank one of the readers of this blog for drawing my attention to an article on the NYTimes.com website by Daniel Bergner “What do Women Want? – Discovering What Ignites Female Desire”.
This article features various pieces of research being carried out into women’s sexuality. As is sometimes the case with research the “evidence” and conclusions reached by the various scientists are often contradictory. I will summarise my understanding of the key findings from this article:
Meredith Chivers is a professor at Queen’s university in Kingston, Ontario. Her research involved volunteers being connected to plethysmographs – for men this is a device that fits over the penis and measures swelling and for women it is a small plastic probe that is fitted into the vagina and measures genital blood flow. Chivers showed a short movie to women and men (homosexual and heterosexual) of bonobos (a species of ape) mating and short clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiselled man walking naked on the beach and a naked woman doing calisthenics. Volunteers also rated their level of arousal on a keypad.
Chivers found that makes who identified themselves as straight responded “genitally” in “category specific” ways. Men who identified themselves as straight swelled when looking at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. Gay men were aroused by the opposite categorical pattern.
The results were different for women. No matter what their self declared sexual orientation was women showed a “strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men”. With the women readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad did not tally.
My understanding of this (I may be totally wrong of course) is that women’s sexuality is more diverse than that of men. The other conclusion one can draw is that women are reluctant to accept/admit what turns them on...
I found the research by Barry Komisaruk a neuroscientist at Rutgers University very interesting. There I was thinking there were two types of orgasms – vaginal and clitoral (referred to in a previous post) and he has indentified four!!!
An orgasm attained by touching the clitoris
An orgasm attained by stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina (aka the G spot)
An orgasm attained by stimulating the cervix
An orgasm attained by thinking (Yes, thinking!!!)
Komisaruk in 1992 collaborated with Rutgers sexologist Beverley Whipple (who is credited with establishing the existence of the G spot) in a study which proved that some rare women can think themselves to climax! I am definitely jealous of this ability.
Lisa Diamond, sexologist and associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah also has some interesting theories on women’s desires. Diamond’s research has led her to conclude that “female desire may be dictated...by intimacy, by emotional connection.”
Diamond’s study tracked 1000 young women who at the start of her work defined themselves as lesbian, bisexual or refused a label. Her research indicated women making many shifts in their sexual identities. Diamond’s argument is that for her
“...participants, and quite possibly for women on the whole, desire is malleable, that it cannot be captured by asking women to categorize their attractions at any single point, that to do so is to apply a male paradigm of more fixed sexual orientation.”
So with women who identified themselves as lesbians for example, only one-third reported being solely attracted to women as the research unfolded. The remaining two thirds also felt a genuine desire for men.
So what are your thoughts on these various pieces of research? What does your own experience tell you?
Nana Darkoa
This article features various pieces of research being carried out into women’s sexuality. As is sometimes the case with research the “evidence” and conclusions reached by the various scientists are often contradictory. I will summarise my understanding of the key findings from this article:
Meredith Chivers is a professor at Queen’s university in Kingston, Ontario. Her research involved volunteers being connected to plethysmographs – for men this is a device that fits over the penis and measures swelling and for women it is a small plastic probe that is fitted into the vagina and measures genital blood flow. Chivers showed a short movie to women and men (homosexual and heterosexual) of bonobos (a species of ape) mating and short clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiselled man walking naked on the beach and a naked woman doing calisthenics. Volunteers also rated their level of arousal on a keypad.
Chivers found that makes who identified themselves as straight responded “genitally” in “category specific” ways. Men who identified themselves as straight swelled when looking at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. Gay men were aroused by the opposite categorical pattern.
The results were different for women. No matter what their self declared sexual orientation was women showed a “strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men”. With the women readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad did not tally.
My understanding of this (I may be totally wrong of course) is that women’s sexuality is more diverse than that of men. The other conclusion one can draw is that women are reluctant to accept/admit what turns them on...
I found the research by Barry Komisaruk a neuroscientist at Rutgers University very interesting. There I was thinking there were two types of orgasms – vaginal and clitoral (referred to in a previous post) and he has indentified four!!!
An orgasm attained by touching the clitoris
An orgasm attained by stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina (aka the G spot)
An orgasm attained by stimulating the cervix
An orgasm attained by thinking (Yes, thinking!!!)
Komisaruk in 1992 collaborated with Rutgers sexologist Beverley Whipple (who is credited with establishing the existence of the G spot) in a study which proved that some rare women can think themselves to climax! I am definitely jealous of this ability.
Lisa Diamond, sexologist and associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah also has some interesting theories on women’s desires. Diamond’s research has led her to conclude that “female desire may be dictated...by intimacy, by emotional connection.”
Diamond’s study tracked 1000 young women who at the start of her work defined themselves as lesbian, bisexual or refused a label. Her research indicated women making many shifts in their sexual identities. Diamond’s argument is that for her
“...participants, and quite possibly for women on the whole, desire is malleable, that it cannot be captured by asking women to categorize their attractions at any single point, that to do so is to apply a male paradigm of more fixed sexual orientation.”
So with women who identified themselves as lesbians for example, only one-third reported being solely attracted to women as the research unfolded. The remaining two thirds also felt a genuine desire for men.
So what are your thoughts on these various pieces of research? What does your own experience tell you?
Nana Darkoa
Friday, February 13, 2009
Let’s talk about love: well, love making
Love making, sex, shagging, intercourse, fu*king, boning … do they describe the same act? I would argue not.
For me making love depicts an act of tenderness. I imagine candles, soft music, clean sheets, massage oils and an outpouring of emotion. With making love you have got to be in love with the person you are having ‘sex’ with.
Having sex on the other hand does not need to involve the emotion of love. Sex needs physical attraction, chemistry and lust. The candles, soft music, clean sheets, and massage oil become part of a rationally thought out process … it helps to get you into the mood.
What’s your preference and why? Love making or sex?
Nana Darkoa
P.S: This blog is submitted as part of my contribution to Ghana Blogging's universal posting day. I have really struggled to write this. I really do not have much to say about love. Now if the topic was 'Let's talk about sex', I would have been truly inspired:)
For me making love depicts an act of tenderness. I imagine candles, soft music, clean sheets, massage oils and an outpouring of emotion. With making love you have got to be in love with the person you are having ‘sex’ with.
Having sex on the other hand does not need to involve the emotion of love. Sex needs physical attraction, chemistry and lust. The candles, soft music, clean sheets, and massage oil become part of a rationally thought out process … it helps to get you into the mood.
What’s your preference and why? Love making or sex?
Nana Darkoa
P.S: This blog is submitted as part of my contribution to Ghana Blogging's universal posting day. I have really struggled to write this. I really do not have much to say about love. Now if the topic was 'Let's talk about sex', I would have been truly inspired:)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sex tips for women who sleep with women or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.
It’s official. The results from our first poll are out and those who voted want us to blog on:
1. More sex tips and techniques
2. A good sexual encounter
3. Diverse sexualities
4. Some facts/research on sex
Thank you to all those who took time to vote, we shall aim to please.
Fairly recently one of our readers asked if any of us have ever “experimented” with women and requested for a post on “Sex tips for women who sleep with women” or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.
There are some “issues” that I only realised were “issues” when I went abroad to study...racism and lesbianism being two such examples. In Secondary School I had no concept of “lesbianism” although I kissed girls in school...In my school we called our girlfriends “dears”. You usually had a senior who was your dear and someone in your own year who was also your dear. In my experience, when it came to relationships with your senior “dear”, you didn’t have much of a choice. I remember one such senior writing on a blank sheet of paper, “Will you be my dear?” There were two boxes and I had to tick Yes or No. Trust me when I say you did not easily say No to ANY Senior so I did what I thought was the smart thing and put a tick somewhere between the Yes and No box. I never had a sexual relationship with any of my senior “dears” but I definitely had relationships with my peers.
In hindsight much of these relationships were rather gauche...I don’t remember ever achieving an orgasm (this is probably very limited thinking. Does every sexual encounter have to end in an orgasm?). I remember Girl A and I hanging a sheet over our bunk bed and kissing in the dark after lights out. I remember Girl B and I meeting in the extremely disgusting bathroom and rubbing against each other. I also remember Girl C and I fingering each other. (As an aside, I hate the word “finger”, it sounds so crass. Any good alternatives?) When I left my single sex school my experiences with girls ended.
Personally I am always slightly suspicious when people (especially Ghanaians who went to single sex schools) express strong anti gay opinions. I doubt if my experiences of boarding school were radically different from the experiences of my compatriots. Fast forward a few years and I realise that it is considered quite scandalous to have sex with women (I am thinking of Ghanaian society in particular but not exclusively). I agree with theorist Simone de Beauvoir when she says:
“...homosexuality...is an attitude chosen in a certain situation – that is, at once motivated and freely adopted. No one of the factors that mark the subject in connection with this choice – physiological conditions, psychological history, social circumstances – is the determining element, though they all contribute to its explanation. It is one way, among others, in which woman solves the problem posed by her condition in general, by her erotic situation in particular.” (de Beauvoir 1997: 444)
In other words you become lesbian/gay/homosexual because you make that choice. I am fully aware that a lot of lesbian/gay/homosexual people believe that is inaccurate but personally I come from the social constructivism school of thought. I just find social constructivism more liberating than biological determinism.
So back to me and sex with women or a lack of after boarding school. I think I ended up in sexual relationships with men because that is what is predominantly presented as the norm. I am also (and I know this will come as a suprise to some of you) fairly passive when it comes to picking a sexual partner so I tend not to go "chasing" after partners . I prefer to have someone "pursue" me so I have the luxury of saying "Yes I like you", or "sorry I am not interested". I know, that is not very liberated but for me it makes life so much easier. I have never been chased by a woman (at least not in a fashion that I recognise as the traditional sexual pursuit dance) but I have been chased by men so that is the sex I have said “Yes” to, at least so far...
How about you? Have you ever had same sex sexual encounters/relationships? Would you ever ? I think it was Alice Walker who said "Oranges are not the only fruit"?.
Nana Darkoa
1. More sex tips and techniques
2. A good sexual encounter
3. Diverse sexualities
4. Some facts/research on sex
Thank you to all those who took time to vote, we shall aim to please.
Fairly recently one of our readers asked if any of us have ever “experimented” with women and requested for a post on “Sex tips for women who sleep with women” or chronicles a la “share and share alike”.
There are some “issues” that I only realised were “issues” when I went abroad to study...racism and lesbianism being two such examples. In Secondary School I had no concept of “lesbianism” although I kissed girls in school...In my school we called our girlfriends “dears”. You usually had a senior who was your dear and someone in your own year who was also your dear. In my experience, when it came to relationships with your senior “dear”, you didn’t have much of a choice. I remember one such senior writing on a blank sheet of paper, “Will you be my dear?” There were two boxes and I had to tick Yes or No. Trust me when I say you did not easily say No to ANY Senior so I did what I thought was the smart thing and put a tick somewhere between the Yes and No box. I never had a sexual relationship with any of my senior “dears” but I definitely had relationships with my peers.
In hindsight much of these relationships were rather gauche...I don’t remember ever achieving an orgasm (this is probably very limited thinking. Does every sexual encounter have to end in an orgasm?). I remember Girl A and I hanging a sheet over our bunk bed and kissing in the dark after lights out. I remember Girl B and I meeting in the extremely disgusting bathroom and rubbing against each other. I also remember Girl C and I fingering each other. (As an aside, I hate the word “finger”, it sounds so crass. Any good alternatives?) When I left my single sex school my experiences with girls ended.
Personally I am always slightly suspicious when people (especially Ghanaians who went to single sex schools) express strong anti gay opinions. I doubt if my experiences of boarding school were radically different from the experiences of my compatriots. Fast forward a few years and I realise that it is considered quite scandalous to have sex with women (I am thinking of Ghanaian society in particular but not exclusively). I agree with theorist Simone de Beauvoir when she says:
“...homosexuality...is an attitude chosen in a certain situation – that is, at once motivated and freely adopted. No one of the factors that mark the subject in connection with this choice – physiological conditions, psychological history, social circumstances – is the determining element, though they all contribute to its explanation. It is one way, among others, in which woman solves the problem posed by her condition in general, by her erotic situation in particular.” (de Beauvoir 1997: 444)
In other words you become lesbian/gay/homosexual because you make that choice. I am fully aware that a lot of lesbian/gay/homosexual people believe that is inaccurate but personally I come from the social constructivism school of thought. I just find social constructivism more liberating than biological determinism.
So back to me and sex with women or a lack of after boarding school. I think I ended up in sexual relationships with men because that is what is predominantly presented as the norm. I am also (and I know this will come as a suprise to some of you) fairly passive when it comes to picking a sexual partner so I tend not to go "chasing" after partners . I prefer to have someone "pursue" me so I have the luxury of saying "Yes I like you", or "sorry I am not interested". I know, that is not very liberated but for me it makes life so much easier. I have never been chased by a woman (at least not in a fashion that I recognise as the traditional sexual pursuit dance) but I have been chased by men so that is the sex I have said “Yes” to, at least so far...
How about you? Have you ever had same sex sexual encounters/relationships? Would you ever ? I think it was Alice Walker who said "Oranges are not the only fruit"?.
Nana Darkoa
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